praying for the impossible

so last night i read this devotional by oswald chambers.

what do you want the Lord to do for you?

"what do you want Me to do for you?" He said, "Lord, that I may receive my sight."

luke 18:41

"is there something in your life that not only disturbs you, but makes you a disturbance to others? if so, it is always something you cannot handle yourself. "then those who went before warned him that he should be quiet; but he cried out all the more . . ." be persistent with your disturbance until you get face to face with the Lord Himself. don't deify common sense. to sit calmly by, instead of creating a disturbance, serves only to deify our common sense. when Jesus asks what we want Him to do for us about the incredible problem that is confronting us, remember that He doesn't work in commonsense ways, but only in supernatural ways.

look at how we limit the Lord by only remembering what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past. we say,"i always failed there, and i always will." consequently, we don't ask for what we want. instead, we think, "it is ridiculous to ask God to do this." if it is an impossibility, it is the very thing for which we have to ask. if it is not an impossible thing, it is not a real disturbance. and God will do what is absolutely impossible.

this man received his sight. but the most impossible thing for you is to be so closely identified with the Lord that there is literally nothing of your old life remaining. God will do it if you will ask Him. but you have to come to the point of believing Him to be almighty. we find faith by not only believing what Jesus says, but, even more, by trusting Jesus Himself. if we only look at what He says, we will never believe. once we see Jesus, the impossible things He does in our lives become as natural as breathing. the agony we suffer is only the result of the deliberate shallowness of our own heart. we won't let go by severing the line that secures the boat to the shore--we prefer to worry."

i've realized that i don't believe God is almighty. i don't. i believe that the impossible things in my life are impossible for Him too.

i need to fix that.

so i'm doing it. i'm praying, asking God to do the things that i see as impossible things in my life.

we will see what happens.

so stuff has been happening lately to rock my mental world. i hate it when my inner peace is pushed aside for a tumultuous thought life. there are sometimes where i wish i could calmly tear out my brain, sew it up neatly, and collectedly go on my merry way.

nope. not possible here.

there is ugly stuff that comes out when my brain goes through this kind of process. stuff that i don't know how to sort through, and so i will either make a feeble attempt, or plastically push it back down into the recesses of my mind, even though i know it will come back with a vengeance later if I don't address it now.

stupid brain.

i hate being disappointed in people. it sucks. especially when i thought there was potential in that person. just saying.

Leave Room for God

"As servants of God, we must learn to make room for Him--to give God "elbow room." We plan and figure and predict that this or that will happen, but we forget to make room for God to come in as He chooses. Would we be surprised if God came into our meeting or into our preaching in a way we had never expected Him to come? Do not look for God to come in a particular way, but do look for Him. The way to make room for Him is to expect Him to come, but not in a certain way. No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to over-look this element of surprise, yet God never works in any other way. Suddenly--God meets our life--" . . . when it please God . . ."

Keep your life so constantly in touch with God that His surprising power can break through at any point. Live in a constant state of expectancy, and leave room for God to come in as He decides."

--Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

this particular entry kind of blew me away the first time i read it. i kept thinking about God surprising us in a good way.

i think i'm ready for a surprise.

i dressed up today. this normally doesn't happen for me. i shower at night so i can roll out of bed, throw on my comfy jeans and one of my fifty wawona t-shirts, spritz my hair a bit and go. oh, and i throw on my favorite make-up accessory--mascara. but thursday is my day to dress up because i have to get up early to pass out cards at morning meds, so i'm up and have a lot of time to get ready before my first class.

and here is where i should mention that i usually have someone i try to impress with my rare dress up/actually look cute days. well truth be told, i had two specific people i wanted to, you know, casually run into today. (does that make me a player....?) and boy was i prepared today. i had my dark skinny jeans on, a really cute (and actually feminine *gasp!*) shirt on, and i even did my sabbath make-up routine. and my hair and looked great! i even wore a little flower in it. totally uncharacteristic for me, i know. i brought out the big guns. i was feeling good. so good in fact, that i even walked to class. on the promenade. you know i've got some confidence going on when that happens.

and here is where i should say that i didn't see either of them. all day.

to say i was a wee bit disappointed is a wee bit of an understatement.

day=failure.

so then in my mind i concluded that i just need to try harder and to dress up and look cute everyday. but tonight when i was in the shower, i thought about it, and was slightly revolted by the idea. i did get more male attention today than normal, and while that makes me feel kind of good about myself, i don't want to have to try really hard and be someone that i'm not, just to get attention. i'm not a girly girl. i like that i don't wear a ton of make-up all the time. i don't want the pressure of having to appear perfect in order for someone to like me. to do all that primping, to spend tons of money on clothes just so i can be fashionable and deemed worthy of attention from boys that i probably shouldn't even be wanting attention from . . .to do that would be to admit defeat, to be like the majority of girls out there, the ones who can't rock a bare face or jeans with holes or bandanas. pardon me, but hell to the no!

i will be beautiful as i am.

i want to be me.

i just can't be anything different.

so while i am still a bit disappointed and drowning my sorrows in a tall glass of chocolate silk, i'm building a stronger resolve to rock what i got, even if it is in a wawona t-shirt.

stand, be, expect

Stand in your God-given personality. Be no other person's shadow. Expect that the Lord will work in and by and through you. -EGW, Ministry of Healing

it's like she is speaking directly to me.

a time for everything

there is a time for everything. right now for what i am frustrated with, it is a time to wait.

there is a time for everything. right now for my schooling future, it is a time to take action.

i am becoming an extrovert. who would have thought that that word could possibly ever describe me, even in the smallest sense? but it's true. i don't like to be alone very much anymore. being an ra has been great! i have met so many new people, some of which i hang out with all the time now, and i love being part of a team again. it does my heart good to be close to people like that. even though i don't exactly jive with all of them, i can still usually find it in my heart to see the good about them, which again, is unlike my usual quick judgment self.

i also am surprisingly really ok with all of the big changes that have happened so far this year. i used to wonder what the heck i would do without my usual safety net of friends, but i have found that i actually thrive when i am "on my own." i am grateful for my friends, totally, and always will be, but it is good for my personal growth that they are not here.

God has really blessed me this year so far. i have a good apartment, and most importantly, i am totally loving my roommates. God is so good. he worked out my living situation so easily and so well and i am bonding with these girls so quickly. He knew that i needed them. He also worked out a potential not-able-to-graduate-this-may-like-i-had-planned situation, for which i praise him greatly!

Even as I am writing this, I am being randomly visited by friends just stopping by to hang out. i love it!!

this is good. really good.

wordage

Words are so important. At least that is what I am getting from Proverbs. I have been reading that book with it’s various nuggets of wisdom for devotions lately, and I have noticed that a ton of those little two-liners have to do with words, or the tongue, or lips, or the mouth. Lots of those include something about knowledge, wisdom, folly, that sort of thing.

I will admit that this summer I have let my language standards go a bit. Bad words have become a part of my mental vocabulary, and sometimes even my audible vocabulary as well. But Proverbs is convicting me. Not only in vocabulary usage, but gossip, and idle words as well.

“He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.”

“From the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied.”

“Arrogant lips are unsuited to a fool—how much worse lying lips to a ruler!”

“A rebuke impresses a man of discernment more than a hundred lashes a fool.”

“A man of perverse heart does not prosper; he whose tongue is deceitful falls into trouble.”

“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.”

“Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.”

And here is one that blows my mind and I’m not even sure I understand what it means: “The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters, but the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.”

This book is making me think. I’m trying to read deeper and actually trying to decipher what some of these mean. I need to pay more attention to what I say and try to make it godly. I want to be wise. I want to be prudent and discerning. And I think I need to start by being aware of and careful with what comes out of my real mouth AND my mental mouth.

minnesota wholesome

tonight i had the privilege of having some really good times and reminiscing. a lot. tonight i went to my second home for supper with my second family - the harmelinks. they are seriously some of the best, most christian people i know.

alison (the oldest harmelink child) and i have been friends ever since she came to my school in fifth grade. we did many activities together and i spent so much time at her house and with her family that there i am known as their other daughter, krista harmelink. the other kids, brett and kimmie are the younger siblings i never had. i love them all dearly, so i try to see them every time i am in town for an extended stay.

tonight we had spaghetti. and i drank a couple of glasses of milk with my meal, a trademark harmelink beverage. i even got to sit in "my spot" at the table. i was with my "family" again and it was wonderful catching up. brettster just finished his first year of college. i still can't believe he is that old. he used to be shorter than me and the annoying little brother. but now he is all grown up and filled out and such a handsome young man. i have to go on my tippy-toes to hug him now. kimmie is in the tenth grade. she is a soccer star and turning into a very graceful and beautiful young woman. it is fun to see brett and kimmie's personalities now that weren't as developed before when they were little kids. we finished off our meal with mrs. harmelink's famous cookie bars. absolutely no one makes them like her. we sat around talking a little bit before us kids morphed into the 10-year-old versions of ourselves and we went outside to play.

we started shooting hoops. and that turned into 21, which kimmie won. al and i were on a team, and we were again reminded of why we quit basketball so early on. it was a game full of energy and giggles. then we raced into the backyard to the swing set where we played grounders, which is basically tag but all over the swing set. after we tired of that game, we took turns swinging on the swings, which led to a shoe kicking contest. brett won the first round after i got my first flip flop stuck high up in a tree. but i schooled everyone else in the second round. when looking for something else to do, we went to the flowering tree in the backyard just to smell the blossoms. then we went around front again, shot some more hoops, kicked a soccer ball around and then when we were tired out, disbanded to various parts of the yard and house. it was wonderful. i came home with grass stains, dirty feet, and a full heart.

i know that this blog is seemingly irrelevant to all. but i just needed to share my joy at being a kid again tonight, and the wonderful family that i love so so much.

(oh, and p.s. h. sistad, i think of you every single time i drive to the harmelinks)

There is immeasurably more left inside than what comes out in words.
— Dostoevsky

Remembering is only a new form of suffering.
— Charles Baudelaire, La fanfario

Men fear silence as they fear solitude, because both give them a glimpse of the terror of life’s nothingness.
— André Maurois

216 days

i have specifically not listened to two songs while i have been here in argentina.

home - by michael bublé

i made it (cash money heroes) - by kevin rudolf

the first i couldn't listen to for obvious reasons.

the second i am saving for the plane back to the states.

7 days.

so good, so inspiring

"If you would be a saint in heaven you must first be a saint on earth. The traits of character you cherish in life will not be changed by death or by the resurrection. You will come up from the grave with the same disposition you manifested in your home and society. Jesus does not change the character at His coming. The work of transformation must be done now. Our daily lives are determining our destiny. Defects of character must be repented of and overcome through the grace of Christ, and a symmetrical character must be formed while in this probationary state, that we may be fitted for the mansions above."

~Ellen G. White

i'm lying here on my bed in the dorm room, all stretched out and watching a tv show on my computer. it's a warm fall day and the sunlight is streaming in through my windows, creating an atmosphere that takes me back to other times.

as i look out the window, it makes me want to be in other places, home, to be exact. and tagging along with that thought comes a question. am i always going to be like this? constantly just being juggled around through different phases in life, but always longing for a time that i'm not currently in, past or future?

i think that a lot of times i just endure whatever place i am in. you know, the whole phrase "surviving but not thriving." there are the occasional times where i am content and peaceful, but there should be more of those.

i need to stop dwelling on the past. life is full of change, and it always will be. i need to stop dreaming up fantasies for the future that are dumb and stupid and not going to happen, and i need to stop stressing about the future too. because again, life has a way of changing that i can't control.

i need to let my life play out, and enjoy the ride while it's happening. i'm not very good at it, but i really need to start trying to live in the moment, and thriving. why waste the gift that's been given to me on things that don't matter?

i hate change, i resist it. but maybe it's time to start realizing that change is not the enemy. without change, i would not be in the place i am today, physically and personally. without change, it's almost like being without hope. and hope is something i cannot live without. if i embrace hope, i must embrace change.

i don't know. i don't have this all sorted out into nice categories in my brain, and part of me thinks that's actually impossible. i don't have it figured out. i guess i just want to think about it some more. be more aware, that's all.

the name game

i have had an interesting time with my name here. here is some of what i've gotten so far.

crista turner

krista tourner

turne, krista as i am known on my food card.

krista tourné "ah! you're french!" "um........no."

and my personal favorite:

turner, kristha

kristHA? really?

seems the guard just wants to make my name just a bit more jolly.

apparently i don't speak very clearly when telling people my name.

this is my method now:

"necesitas mi nombre? kreesta tourner. ka ere ee ese te ah, te oo ere ene eh ere." spelling is always the way to go, but maybe a little less fun....

what am i so scared of?

i stepped on my headphones today. i was hoping i could repair them, but alas, i could not. thankfully, and i'm sure my roommates will be thankful too, i have an extra pair. but the pair that i broke were the ones that worked the best.

there is this guy that stands at the door to the cafeteria now. he is the jewelry/weird hair patrol. if you have any sort of jewelry on, he will swoop down and give you a talking to with a smile plastered on his face the whole time. he always greets people when they come in and bids them farewell as they go. i always avoid eye contact with him because i don't care for stupid niceties that aren't sincere.

last saturday night i snuck into the pool area. i jumped the fence and kind of landed harder than i expected. then when i was posing for a picture of me sticking my foot in the pool, i was losing my balance and then almost fell in. and on the way back out, my friend slammed into the fence while i was on top of it and i was left flailing for balance as i almost fell off. one of my less graceful moments.

i have never been much of a bird person, but there are these cute little ground burrowing owls here. they are some of the prettiest birds i have ever seen. elegant and silent. and they are fun size. and sometimes they are a bit chubby, which makes them even cuter. they sit and watch me and my friends as we walk this one street. sometimes they will follow us too. i wish i could take one home.

in my joy at being able to go home soon, i ran and did a cartwheel in the grass the other day. it was rough. it's been a long time since i've been active, let alone done anything gymnastical.

a couple of weeks ago i was walking across a grassy area in front of the caf on my way to the ACA building. i was trying to work on my posture so i was walking rather straight and stoic. but then i thought how funny it would be if there were people in the caf that could see me and if something happened and i fell flat on my face. not two seconds after that, my foot found the only large hole in the lawn and i stumbled. i managed to save myself from an all out face plant, but i still couldn't help but laughing at the "perfect timing."

people still tell me i need to work on my spanish. thanks peoples. i'm trying, ok? why don't you go work on your english? ok that's mean. but sometimes i want to tell them that.

i'm trying to read a book in spanish. i have to look up a lot of words. if a book is too tedious, i usually give up on it. *cough ackgreatexpectationsharumph cough. but i must persevere. it is for my own benefit.

i watched pride and prejudice the other day, the long one, because it was just one of those days. and then i decided that one of my students needed to be exposed to the more complex literary structures and styles of the english language, and with a different accent other than american. so we're now watching it in class. sometimes i really like this teacher thing....

There are always things that spark me to want to have a continually deeper and better relationship with God. A more fervent one. So what's stopping me? Myself obviously, but what? What keeps me from deep, daily conversation and commitment? What keeps me from that connection? What keeps me from surrendering my will, my stubbornness, my life? Am I afraid? Am I too lazy? Am I too lackadaisical? I need to take that step, take that action. It is THE ONLY THING I can be sure of in this life.

Self, get out of the way! Self, get over your fear! Self, be willing to give up secret sins and things you cherish! Grow grow grow! Trim and cut off and grow some more! Don't let anything or anyone stop you. Be you, love you! God made you and He knows how He created you to be. He knows what you desire to be, He sees the potential you see in yourself and sees a million times past that.

You have an ideal for yourself, well He does too. Seek that ideal, but seek after His ideal even more. Believe in yourself, because He does! Even when you think you are the lowest, most disgusting, despicable, debased thing on earth, He sees you as something that can be fit for Heaven! Work for it, practice for it, reach for it with all you can muster, so that you can say "God I gave my all to be with you," and so you can be proud of yourself and so God can be proud of you too. And you know something? He already is proud of you - because you are HIS. You are the apex of His creation, His glory. So act like it! Claim it! Have confidence in it! You hear that? BE CONFIDENT! Because He is confident in you.

Let your personality, your joy in yourself and how He made you burst forth. Let it out. Show others what you are made of. Show yourself. Let who you are be an expression of praise because that is what you were made for. You will never know how precious you are, but try to. You are precious to others and you are precious to God. Self, listen up! Learn these things, know these things, and hide them in your heart. Grow, love, seek, work, claim, express, praise.

You are beautiful, so multi-faceted and intricate. There is no one else like you. So self, be! Be yourself! Be the image of God. There is nothing better, and an amazing future awaits you. Don't get in the way. . . because you don't have to. You don't have to. Just step aside and reach. Reach for your dreams and the One who made those dreams come alive inside of you. You have purpose, even if you don't see it. You have a part to play. It may seem small, it may seem big, but you can't do your part according to what others may think.

Don't give into doubts because doubts only bring you down and take your focus off of God. Do your part to the best of your ability, because then you can be satisfied with yourself. And no matter what you think or what you think others may think of you, try your best to cast it aside. Concentrate on what God thinks of you because He is really the only one that matters in the end.

Self, take heart! Your troubles are only light and momentary, and are achieving for you a glory that far outweighs them all!

if only i could capture THIS moment from argentina and keep it forever.

*mental picture*

like butter on a bald monkey

i've been thinking a lot lately about a few things that i miss. now i know that i miss a ton of things while being down here in argentina, but these aren't your typical food or comfort items.

i miss being tired. like the good i've-worked-my-butt-off-today kind of tired. the kind that i used to experience after having a long day at school and then having a hardcore track practice or meet. the kind of tired where you have done your duties and gotten satisfaction out of them. the kind where you have accomplished a lot in a day. those are the good kinds of tired that i haven't experienced in a while.

i am really big on feel and atmosphere, and i have really been missing a family atmosphere, and a good Sabbath atmosphere too. friday nights just aren't the same here, and i think that is one of the things i miss the most. i miss chillin' with my sister. i miss the group sing-a-longs of hymns and other good songs, the potlucks, the fellowship. and then the calm after vespers and after everyone else has left and i can just sit in the dark with some candles and soft music playing and just unwind and bask in my thoughts, or have a good deep conversation with one of my housemates. and i miss the random times my friends and i would snuggle out on our couch on the back porch until 5 on Sabbath morning just talking and spending quality time together.

i never really thought i'd be saying this, and it may come as a shock to some of you, but i miss human touch. i generally have a rather large space bubble, but that is mostly with people i don't know. i know i put up a front of 'don't come near me or touch me,' but i like my bubble being invaded (for the most part) by people i am close to and love. i don't get a lot of human touch in general, and down here in argentina it is pretty much non-existent. but because i don't get it a lot, touch can be very meaningful for me, and i miss getting hugs, or having my hair played with, or someone rubbing my back, or even just having a hand on my shoulder.

i plan on getting these things back soon so that i don't have to miss them anymore. but for now, i do miss them terribly.

sprechen sie deutsch?

why no, no i don't. at least not yet...

today i entered the world of the overwhelmed. yep, that's right. today i started, maybe started is too strong of a word. today i attempted to research grad school options. it is basically insane. there are so many options, too many options for an indecisive person like myself. i at least have the blessing of knowing that i want to go into the general realm of art history. but there are still 15 bazillion results for that, and i know that isn't even all of them listed on a sometimes not so helpful gradschools (dot) com... ahem. if i wanted to, i could go to school in any of the 50 states. or i could go to london, or sweden, or scotland, or wales, or italy, or south africa, or germany.... you get the idea. i have options. that's the understatement of the year.

i spent hours scrolling through the options and clicking on the ones that looked like they were interesting or what i was looking for, which, by the way, is a good school that offers both a masters and ph.d. program. that just seems more ideal so that i wouldn't have to transfer schools more than is necessary.

i was trying to be all organized and write down some stuff, but that quickly fell by the wayside. too much work. i resorted to saving the pdfs of the requirements. i ended up with 9 universities in my first cut. then i slowly started going to those school's websites in hopes of finding more information. by the way, a button that says "get informed" does not actually mean you will be more informed if you do indeed click on it....

after going through those sites and the requirements, i began to question if this is indeed what i want to do. the requirements are daunting, frightening, and any other synonym you can come up with for SCARY! i quickly realized that it is going to be a while before i can actually go to grad school. i have to learn two other languages first. joy. maybe one day i will be happy that i spent 20 years becoming a cuatralingual person...

right now i have three options that seem 'do-able.' those would be the university of minnesota, emory university in atlanta, and the university of iowa, in iowa city. who knew they had a good art history program?

i guess now i should focus on finding summer classes in italian and german. Tritte und vergnügt.

the climb

i remember very vividly the first time i went rock climbing. i was a scared young freshman tagging along with my older sister and her friends for a trip to t wall in tennessee. now for those of you who don't know, this is a place for trad climbing, meaning there are no set routes and bolts for you, you have to find a route and place the bolts there yourself.

i remember standing back and watching as matt turk set up the route, not sure if i wanted to attempt this strange new activity. i wasn't sure that i was capable of such a thing. i watched as people like bjorn and jessi went ahead of me. i observed how they did things so that i could learn from them. finally it was my turn. the first part of the climb was really hard for me. it was a crack, and i didn't know how to maneuver it. it took many tries and failures. finally bjorn, who was belaying me, basically hauled me up to the top of the crack. from there i slowly figured out how to climb on my own.

the middle part passed by as i slowly ascended. but pretty soon the going got tough. i had no idea what i was doing, but people were yelling up at me from way down on the ground to just keep going; i could do it. so i kept going. but then i got tired and scared and didn't think i could do it anymore. i was only a few feet from the top, a mere few moves from kissing the carabiner. but i couldn't do it. i started crying and begging to be let down. but jessi would not let me come down. she said she knew i could do it and that i would regret it if i quit now. i got mad at her, but she just kept telling me, 'krista. you can do it. keep going. you don't want to regret not finishing.' i gingerly started climbing again on my shaky legs. and within a few minutes i was at the top with a kiss of victory.

the last part was getting down. that was easy and pretty soon i was back on the ground with my friends. in discussing climbing later, i found out that you can't rely on your arm strength alone, which i had done a lot of. you have to tap into your real strength, your legs, your core.

i have only a few more moves until i have completed my climb here. but now i know that i'm going to tap into my real strength. and pretty soon i'll be kissing that carabiner.

happy one year

guys. i've been a blogger for a year now!! for reasons unknown this excites me :)

singing with the angels

this morning our aca choir sang for sabbath school. we sang a song we learned a while back called 'how excellent' which is a gospel choir song. when we were practicing it before the service it was rough. none of the boys were showing up so we were playing around with the key so that the girls could cover the boys part, but we couldn't find a good key. so that in turn threw off the alto part and it was just a mess and sounded pretty bad. eventually james showed up and spencer came once we were done practicing. when it came to be our time to go up, we went backstage and had a quick prayer. imani prayed that God would send his angels to sing with us. and i swear He did.

last minute imani decided to have Lauren sing the first verse solo. we get up there and she sings the first verse, but her mic was off. so she turns it on and tries again. she was on, and when she got to the high part, she absolutely nailed it. it brought tears to my eyes unexpectedly. and then when the choir came in, we were few in number but we sounded so full and strong. we pretty much nailed it too. there had to be angels singing with us. it was so powerful and goosebump inducing. i still get the chills thinking about it.

here is a recording of our song. the video doesn't do it justice, but it's all i've got.


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to be used up

i just went back and re-read all of my blog posts from the beginning. some of them inspire me, some of them make me sad. but it was good to see the person i was back then and the journey i have been on. i had so much hope in the beginning. i am a little embarrassed to say that i have lost some of that, ok maybe a lot of that. i'm a little hesitant to say that i have been struggling a lot lately with feelings of inadequacy and depression and boredom and wondering why i am here in argentina. i have had a sour attitude that i am not proud of. i don't feel needed at all, which is not a good feeling. i have been complaining about a lot of things. i hate being so discontent with things and not being able to turn my attitude around. but reading some of my blogs has made me determined to finish out this year strong, or at least stronger than it has been of late.

i found a quote the other day that i liked

"this is true joy in life, the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." ~george bernard shaw

it was a little slap in the face. i have come to realize that i don't do well when i don't feel needed, wanted, or like i am making a difference.

but maybe i will have another little opportunity. i am to have some new students that don't speak much english at all. maybe this time i will actually feel like i am making a difference. and maybe it's time to stop focusing on how miserable i might feel, stop bemoaning my situation or feelings and just try to be used up for a mighty purpose, whatever it might be.

seat belts, swerving, and much much prayer.

planning our quick trip to uruguay had been a little hectic. we were back and forth between taking a bus or a taxi, changing our minds and then having to change them again, and a frantic dash to the bus station only to change our minds yet again. we did some calling around and decided on a taxi. the man on the other end of the phone seemed nice enough and he was the only one willing to do it for a decent price. so mr. jose whatever his last name was became our hired driver.

we decided to leave on a sunday night so that we could just drive through the night and hopefully sleep in the car. we packed and hauled our stuff out to the portico to meet our driver. what met our eyes was a car with a corner of the hood totally smashed in. he told us not to worry, that it looked worse than it was.

we piled all of our stuff in the "trunk" which also was a bit smashed in, and piled ourselves in the car and we were off. about 10 seconds later i discovered that there wasn't a seatbelt on my side. our driver talked non stop for the first three hours until we hit the border. it was the most painless border crossing i have ever had. we simply rolled down the windows, handed him our passports and then he stamped them and we were on our way.

it was after this that things started going down hill. the girl in the front seat started to sleep, and most of us in the back were dozing or sleeping as well. i was fairly alert and i noticed that our driver began to get really fidgety. it was one in the morning and i didn't know if he was just antsy or was getting tired. we soon found out that he was tired. at first he decided to make these weird sucking noises with his mouth, like he was trying to suck something out of his teeth. then he would whistle. pretty soon the radio was cranked. then the air conditioner was cranked. all during this time we were swerving ALOT on the road. i was fearing for my life a little bit and at one point was about to offer that I drive, and i don't drive stick. i finally had rebekah tell him that he could stop and sleep if he wanted. so pretty soon we stopped and he took a 15 minute nap. i didn't sleep like at all that night because i felt that i had to keep watch or something. all of us also distinctly remember being awakened from our sleeping/dozing at 3 in the morning from a very emphatic radio guy announcing in that special way they do down here that a goal had been made...

it continued on like this all night. the swerving, trying to stay awake, stopping at gas stations ( i have never in my life stopped at so many gas stations in one trip) and taking little naps. it was miserable. lauren was sick, rose and rebekah and i were sore and sleep deprived and desperate for the trip to be over.

we finally pulled into our final destination at 9 the next morning, 13 hours after leaving and many hours longer than we expected. but it was worth it and our few days there were pretty good with lots of walking and beach going. we fried ourselves, had some frustrations with our taxi driver once in town, but we also found a real cupcake shop! :)

when it came time to leave, we all discussed it and decided that our chances of living were better if we were to drive mostly during the day. so we left at 3 in the afternoon. so we all piled in again, hoping desperately that this trip back would be better. and it was for the most part, or so we thought. our driver decided to take a different route back. and he was like a nascar driver. we were going so fast and all the other girls were getting car sick, which is weird because usually i am the one that suffers from that. we made good time, but then the sun went down. and we finally figured out that our driver can't see. especially at night. our speed changed drastically and we started swerving. again. at one point we almost swerved into an oncoming truck.

we finally reached a border crossing, different from the one before. it was here that we discovered that the man at the border crossing on the way in HAD NOT STAMPED rose's passport. how does that happen when that is your one and only job at your station?! naturally she got in trouble for this and no matter what we tried to tell her, they were still mad. plus they said that her information was not in the computer because it was a different crossing. isn't it like a country-wide database? we were all just really frustrated. nothing comes easy down here. she got questioned, and we were worried that she might get deported, and then that WE might get deported because we are "students" here but not on student visas. but they didn't question too much and she ended up having to pay a fine and get this special notice to put in her passport. and to top it all of there was a young woman army officer that had major attitude with us at the next station. lovely.

we moved on and got out of uruguay but there was a lot more swerving and praying for our lives on the way. at one point to keep the driver awake we all had a very loud and animated conversation about the food we missed. (i would say on average our conversations here are about food 95% of the time).

it was with great relief and much rejoicing that we made it back to la uap and finally were on safe ground again.

isn't it funny

when God speaks to you through some random thing, what you needed to hear, and exactly when you needed to hear it?

how do you resolve

a best friend God against a God who deserves our fear?

one who you can turn to at any moment versus one you should make an appointment with

one who you can spill out your guts to, but one you should not even speak in front of because words are pointless babble

one who has arms open wide for us to run into, however, is one that we should not dare to approach but fall flat on our faces in front of instead

one that deserves our undying loyalty, but who also deserves our awe

one who we can dare to approach rather casually versus one who we should dare to approach only with a completely reverent attitude

how do you do it? can it even be done?

is that just another aspect of God? complete opposite but both at the same time? demanding one thing versus the other, but accepting them all? welcoming them all?

how do you know what attitude God wants from you? does it change depending on the circumstances? the time of day? how you are feeling? how He is feeling?

recap

today i finally started teaching again. my student was nilde, a beautiful graceful woman in her mid thirties. she is the secretary for the president. she is my most advanced student, but also my most eager. she craves knowledge of the english language and eagerly dissects and questions in turn. it felt good to be doing what i was brought here to do. i hate preparing for classes, but i have to admit that having fun with a student, learning and laughing about our respective languages fuels me on. and today i was actually over prepared for class (for once). it was good.

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tonight i spoke for a week of prayer. i teared up in a part i didn't want to, and i went kind of long, but i think i was finally able to show people a little bit of the personality that i have kept pretty buried thus far. and i think my talk touched at least one person too. she is a person i deeply respect and she came up to me with tears in her eyes, made sure i looked her in the eyes and said "gracias kreesta. que hermosa. gracias." it felt good.

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after worship i took my apple and jar of jif peanut butter that southern sent me to lauren's room. we haven't hung out in a while and we sat and enjoyed each other's company. she practiced her speech and we had a deep conversation. it was good.

reality can hurt

i've been trying to read through the Great Controversy again lately, and today i read about the Waldenses. they were so faithful amidst so much persecution. but what got me, was reading about the church of rome. the pope, the high officials, they were all so corrupt and awful. they persecuted innocent people because they were following the truth. "no charge could be brought against the moral character of this proscribed class. even their enemies declared them to be a peaceable, quiet, pious people. their grand offense was that they would not worship God according to the will of the pope." the whole thing is just wrong. "the papal leaders would not conform their characters to the great standard of God's law, but erected a standard to suit themselves, and determined to compel all to conform to this because rome willed it." the whole thing just sickens me.

but how often do we do the same thing, fashioning a religion that suits us? and how often does that sicken me?

reality can be a bit harsh, can't it.

fantasy

one day i am going to have a huge library with a ladder that you have to climb on to get books. that ladder is going to move and i am going to reenact the library scene from beauty and the beast when no one is looking. my library is going to have all sorts of nooks and crannies to sit in and curl up and read all day. my library is going to have a secret door that opens to some place cool. my library is going to be my escape.

one day i am going to have a beautiful music room, with a specific place for all my instruments. but most importantly, i am going to have a big shiny black baby grand piano at which i will sit and play to my heart's content. i will play with all the gusto i can muster, and play with all the emotion and heart that i can. my music room is going to be where i learn to play at least one more instrument before i die. my music room will be where i belt out all sorts of songs at the top of my lungs where no one can hear me. my music room will be my release.

one day i am going to have a huge studio where i can paint. it will have blank walls that i will splash paint over and practice whatever suits my fancy. it will have cupboards and drawers where i can keep all my supplies neatly organized. my studio will be a fantasy land full of artistic whims. my studio will be the place where a masterpiece of the world will someday be painted. my studio will be where my inspiration comes to me. my studio will be my expression.

one day i am going to have an expansive backyard with a hill and a meadow filled with rippling long grass and wildflowers. my meadow will be where i go to pray. i will twirl around and around until i am too dizzy to stay on my feet. my meadow will be a place to just sit with my thoughts while the breeze takes me to places unknown in my imagination. my meadow will be a place of love. my meadow will be just for me, where no one else can find me. i will lie and look at the stars at night in my meadow. my meadow will be my sanctuary.

tonight i went for a walk

it started out as wanting a small form of exercise, but as i walked around campus i found myself wandering into the garden of prayer. i have never gone there of my own wanting, but tonight it sort of drew me in. i sat down with every intention of praying, but i got distracted. i got distracted by the peace i felt as i sat there.

the night is deliciously cool, cold almost, and i felt the results of that on my skin. i watched a black cat chasing a cricket in the way that only a cat can. and i know it sounds silly, but that was the most beautiful thing to me in that moment. and i became aware of the peace, the restoration of just sitting, watching, and basking in the silence of being alone at night. no one else was there. the stars were shining, the crickets were softly chirping and i was with my God. ironic, how i found Him in the silence.

i thought about how He has a plan for me and that i don't need to worry. i even chuckled to myself with how much impact the simple thought had on me. it also dawned on me that even though i have confidence issues and may not be able to have confidence in myself, i can have confidence in Him. again, simple thought, but sometimes the simplest thoughts can be so profound for me at the right time.

i realized that i have lost focus, and now i'm trying to get it back. i am here for a purpose. and if that purpose be sitting in a little side office and stapling papers, then i will sit in that office and staple papers to the best of my ability. i am here to teach. and if it is only two or three students that i get to teach, well then i will try to teach them to the best of my ability. i am here to learn. to grow. to think. i think i am even here to hurt a little, so that i can look back and say, "you know what? i had some really hard times in argentina. but God got me through them. and even if it hurt, it was worth it, because He made me better because of it."

i know i can't explain it very well, but tonight was so beautiful.

right now

i expected nights like these. i did. but at the same time i feel like i wasn't prepared for them. it's one of those nights where i have burdens. the ones that weigh heavy on my mind. the ones that are so heavy on my mind that they end up crashing through my mind to my shoulders, then my heart, slowly compressing the air out of my lungs on the way.

i've let things pile up. and i know that. but now i'm finding out that piles are not fun or easy to carry.

tonight i am frustrated. i am frustrated with so many things, but mainly i am frustrated with myself. i am letting myself down. and in turn i am letting others down which only makes me more frustrated with myself. the all too real vicious circle. those feelings really eat away at me.

tonight i was again reminded by an outside source of areas where i am lacking. that is never fun to hear. i know i will eventually take that criticism and turn it into something that will spur me on, but right now that little pin prick to my heart is throbbing just a little.

tonight i see my failures all too clearly and the roadblocks that i have made for myself. it's kind of a hard thing to realize that i have chased after a few too many butterflies and have distracted myself right off the path to God.

tonight i want a good cry, but it's not coming.

and tonight is one of those nights where i just feel very alone.

i know i can try to comfort myself with all the clichés about it getting better with time and it will be better in the morning and never give up and that God is always there. but you have to admit. sometimes it doesn't feel like there is hope and it doesn't feel like God is there, even if you know He is. i don't feel Him there because i have run away and pushed Him away some too. no matter how many christian songs i listen to or psalms i read, there is no peace for me. but i know what i have to do.

i don't have a happy ending to this right now. i don't have some good moral of the story or a brilliant spiritual lesson.

i have questions. i have unresolved feelings and stories. i have some anger. i have all of what i am staring me in the face. i have my frustrations, my regrets, my stiff arm, my walls, my deepest desires, my future. i have my reality that i need to talk to God about.

i am just me. and right now i feel like that is the hardest thing of all to face.

for your boredom

last sabbath was one of the more entertaining church services i have been to in awhile. but it wasn't because of the service. i sat in between katie wilson and lauren brooks up in the balcony. and we were a wreck. first there was a little boy behind us that distracted us. he was screaming, pounding his shoes on the ground, poking us, and at one point he was under my chair. there was hardly any space in between the rows up there so i kept kicking the guy in front of me in the butt accidentally because if i crossed my legs it was at that exact height. a little ways into the sermon, katie dropped her keys down into the row in front of us, under the guy who i kept kicking. she tried to bend down to get them but couldn't reach them, so she tried kneeling and in the process, semi body slammed the poor guy. he tried to reach them but couldn't, so his wife had to grab them. lauren had brought a craft to church to work on. when she first went to get it from her bag, we discovered a rather large spider by the wall. she pushed it away and it disappeared, only to reappear later between me and katie. we freaked and parted like the red sea as much as we could. lauren being the brave one, grabbed one of her patent leather pumps and body surfed over my knees to smoosh it. and last but not least, when lauren returned to her craft, she tried to put her tape away, but instead flung it into the row ahead of us to, you guessed it, the poor couple who had been putting up with us the whole time. the lady retrieved the tape and handed it back to lauren. i think we all felt like kindergarteners that day.

in a quick change of plans, i was able to go to a place called iguazu falls in argentina with the aca group. it was so beautiful there, but so so hot! it was extremely humid and sticky. i hate being sticky. and damp. but it was worth it because i seriously felt like i was in the movie avatar it was so other worldly. (what is it with me and avatar lately?!) we had an 18 hour bus ride to get there. we left that saturday evening at 11. i actually slept a lot and the ride was fairly uneventful. it was a completely different story on the way back. our bus air conditioning decided to not work. and with it being in the 90s and 100s with like 94% humidity, it was dang hot. for those of you who were with me on the bus back from elat in israel, reference that, only with the humidity factor. it was just a wee bit brutal. and then we spent like an hour and a half at some podunk gas station with a blown diesel pump tube something or other. in the end they got it fixed, but my head lamp did not fair well. i had loaned it to the cause and now the band is soaked with diesel fuel and oil. bueno.

my roommate and i have taken up golfing. with crickets. we wind up and drive them down the hall with the broom. tonight i was being especially exuberant in my attempts. i decided that i hadn't booted one far enough down the hall so i ran after it and swung on the run. but mid swing/run one of my friends was at the end of the hall and screamed bloody murder when i flung the cricket at her. it was so funny.

tonight i almost ate it in the shower. while simultaneously almost doing the splits. fear was very real in that moment.

the end.

for now.

for granted

about 45 minutes ago one of my friends here found out that his father died today.

we are all in shock and don't know exactly what to do.

i just keep thinking "that could have been my dad or mom." it is my worst fear that one day while i am at college or away from home that i will get a phone call telling me that one of my precious parents is gone. and i take them for granted.

so today, i am going to try to not take them for granted. i am blessed beyond belief to have the hard-working and loving parents that i have. they have given me the world to the best of their ability.

my world would be crushed without them.

i love you mom and dad. thank you for everything you have done for me.

i love you too jess.

outside the lines

You’ll never enjoy your life,
living inside the box
You’re so afraid of taking chances,
how you gonna reach the top?

Rules and regulations,
force you to play it safe
Get rid of all the hesitation,
it’s time for you to seize the day

Instead of just sitting around
and looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground,
the time is now

I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting,
I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines

Try to have no regrets
even if it’s just tonight
How you gonna walk ahead
if you keep living behind

Stuck in my same position,
you deserve so much more
There’s a whole world around us,
just waiting to be explored

Instead of just sitting around
and looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground,
the time is now, just let it go

The world will force you to smile
I’m here to help you notice the rainbow
Cause I know,
What’s in you is out there

I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting,
I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines

I’m trying to be patient (I’m trying to be patient)
the first step is the hardest (the hardest)
I know you can make it,
go ahead and take it

I’m Waiting, waiting, just waiting I’m waiting
I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting
I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines

You’ll never enjoy your life
Living inside the box
You’re so afraid of taking chances,
How you gonna reach the top?

-greyson chance

beware of the shadowy figures

so i like to stay up late. i like to sit in the dark. i like to stay up late and sit in the dark on my computer and rock out to music. which is exactly what i was doing tonight while playing a game of solitaire. i was about half way through putting up all my fours when i noticed something out of the corner of my eye. i looked at the wall which is about a foot from me on my left and i notice a very large shadowy something making its way up my wall. my eyes quickly took in ANOTHER very large dark shadowy form chillin' on the wall just a little ways away. i quickly made my way AWAY from my desk and my wall and i ran and turned on a light, waking up my roommate in the process. when i looked back, there was a monstrous cricket on the floor too!!! i was like "no way! there can't be THIS MANY bugs all at once!" so i grab the broom and take care of the cricket first by sweeping him out the door and golfing him as far down the hall as i could. then i returned to the spiders. they were huge! and they decided to have a droid death match on my wall. i watched for a little bit, considering the possibility that they might take care of each other leaving me with nothing to worry about. but that didn't happen so i had to step in. i jammed my broom onto one and squished it in the corner and then got it to the ground to squish it more. one down. i went back for the other. i repeated my process of jamming and squishing. i still had the broom shoved in the corner and i let my mind wander a bit to revel in my victory when i looked back and the spider was crawling away! minus about three legs though... i quickly recovered and squished him in the corner again and got him on the floor and finished him off. then i swept both of them down the hall too. no way are those things going in the garbage in my room! THANK GOD FOR BROOMS! the worst part of this is knowing that they were so close to me, and i am pretty sure that one of them had sort of crawled on my arm in the dark because i had gotten tickled by something but couldn't find what it was. ugh. heebie geebies! and now i'm really paranoid about bugs being around me. i am so traumatized right now. and i know i won't forget about this soon. and if i do, i definitely have a couple of spider legs behind my picture on my desk to remember this by....

oh the joys....

like the infestation of crickets that crawl on your feet and hop on your legs when you least expect it, leaving you to scream and run like a little girl. oh wait, i am a girl, i'm allowed to do that.

cockroaches that somehow make their way into your closet and then fall out of it when the door opens, again, leaving you screaming and cringing that THAT BUG was frolicking around in your clothes. the nerve. i always thought WALL-E's pet cockroach was really cute and i was wondering if that could happen in real life. no. it cannot.

larger than life spiders that seem to come out of any hole possible and creepily crawl up the wall or onto your desk when you are mere inches away.

mosquitos that seem to inject more poison than normal when they bite, making every itch 100 times itchier and leaving everyone purposely scratching them until they bleed, because that's the only way to get the itching to stop.

green little grasshopper things that look harmless but are like mutant flying machines that like to sit on the shower stall and wander around, leaving the showerer to cautiously watch them lest they decide to get in the water too.

mutant giant beige colored mosquitos. i found one in the bathroom. it was seriously the size of half my palm and looked exactly like a mosquito, with a huge poker/stinger and everything.

the MILLIONS of little bugs that dive bomb your computer screen whenever it is dark out.

pigeons that don't know how to work their wings or estimate their approach of the ground very well. seriously. a pigeon flew right over my head the other day. i felt it's wings in my hair. and i can't forget the ones that fly up right in front of your face. and they poop on you. it's gross. i hate birdie bombs.

these are the joys my friends. won't you come enjoy them with me?

:)

to my friends who are scattered about. you know who you are

so many times i am impressed by my friends and the spiritual growth, heck, just the normal life growth i see in them (that kind of sounds like pregnancy but that's not what i mean). it makes me so glad and excited and want the same for myself. i feel like all of us can identify with the feelings of fear that come with being in or on the cusp of big life changes. but there my friends are, slogging through, when all of the sudden they stop, re-evaluate, and then start trying to joyfully run through the mire of life to the One who inspired them to run.

i am so proud of and inspired by you!

call me crazy, but i feel like God has a little network with all of us. like straight up avatar style network. we are all so close and connected, though miles apart, that we often are pondering or worrying about or feeling the same things without even knowing it. so when one or more of us is in need, God will use another person, be it in blogging or skyping or whatever, to reach out to others in the network about the very thing that they are having trouble with and uplift them. give expression to what is happening inside. i think that is so cool! and we don't even have to have those freaky braid thingies with tentacles to tap into our network.... suh-weet!

you want to know what i've been pondering lately? true joy, truly knowing myself and what i want, and the fact that God knows my heart better than i do, so i should just let him handle things.

so my friends, i just want you to know one thing: i see you.

:D

sorry this blog is weird and scattered....

apparently . . .

i have a sleeping problem. as in it's not happening.

i have decided to try and conquer all my world's problems.

i have decided to do that at night.

trying every possible contortion in my bed to find the "right" position is not working for me.

i can't shut off my brain.

walking and even dancing a bit up and down the empty halls doesn't help at all.

the fan makes a squeak at just the right decibel to keep me from sleep.

staring at myself in the mirror in the too brightly lit bathroom doesn't really put me to sleep either.

my lack of sleep is affecting my vision. it's acting strange.

not getting sleep will give me a perpetual headache that no amount of water will cure.

it's only like one more night of no sleep until i am considered clinically insane.