i started grad school today. it sounds weird to say but gives me a really proud feeling all at the same time. i am a graduate student! i guess i feel accomplished for making it this far, for having the dedication and desire to do it. maybe it's because i didn't really know what else to do, or maybe that i wasn't figuring out how to fit into the world outside of college, but i'm here now. and it's good. really good.
this past summer i was at a new camp with new people. i made friends and had a fun summer, but i never quite found my groove, never quite felt like i was sufficient or good at what i was supposed to be doing. but here, here i fell into my groove on the first day of class! i feel confident, in a way that i haven't felt in a long time. and that makes me happy. it makes me happy because i think it reaffirms that just maybe i'm on the right track. maybe this actually IS where i am supposed to be.
i felt today that i love school. most people hate it, but i decided i love it. it feels so right to me, to be in a place where nothing is familiar, and yet it is. i know what is expected of me. i know what i have to do. and since i now know i love it, i know that i am meant to be in the classroom—either as a student for however many more years and degrees, or eventually as a teacher. i have so much to learn, and i doubt i will ever be one of those really verbose teachers, but now there is a drive behind the learning. i need to learn this material for me. and in learning for me, i learn it for my future students.
i had new grad student orientation yesterday, which i feel plays into my confidence today. i was griping about having to go, but it was actually quite inspiring. the provost (which i don't even really know what a provost is, or if southern even had one) had our devotional. i was in and out of focus, but some of what she said really hit home. she was talking about the israelites when they were on the border of the promised land. the spies that had a negative report spoke of giants and how the israelites were but grasshoppers to the native people. they had doubts and were up against three main giants of discouragement. the first was feeling overwhelmed and incapable. this has obvious applications to new students, we feel like we may not be able to make it. the third was some presumption—oh, we've got this, no problem. but the second giant, which speaks directly to me, was fearing change.
the israelites were constantly bemoaning what they had left behind, if it wasn't egypt, it was whatever the previous situation was on their journey. they liked the status quo. they feared the unknown and they let it cripple them. they passed up the freakin' promised land because they let fear rule them, and when they did realize change isn't a horrible thing, that growth is so good, it was too late.
that struck a different kind of fear into my heart. i have feared and resisted change all my life. but by resisting, i am dispelling the opportunity for growth. i would rather be stagnate than luscious and vibrant. and i don't want that attitude. i do not want to miss out on my promised land because i was too stubborn in my fear.
i have been placed in a new environment and it is a bit scary. but i made the decision to face it the best i can. that made me more confident today. and with the affirmation that i'm in a place that is good and right, i've been dancing all day!
