She was like the moon—part of her was always hidden away.
— Dia Reeves

Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.
— Chinese Proverb

‎When you know yourself you are empowered. When you accept yourself you are invincible.
— Lifford

One may have a blazing hearth in one’s soul and yet no one ever came to sit by it. Passers-by see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on their way.
— Vincent Van Gogh

i hope i understand one day. maybe then i won't waste my tears on someone who never knew how precious they were, and at what cost they came.

i am loved. it may not be in the way i wanted or expected, but i will take this love and i will grow wonderfully from it.

i hate those times when i wake in the night, and can't go back to sleep because of my anxious heart asking "God, what have i done?"

on one hand

all through the duration of my relationship, i was told that i needed to be more vulnerable. i hate that word. i don't even know what it means. cry more? well sorry, but i hate crying in front of people, so that won't be happening much. disclose my inner thoughts more? mmmmm, i'm gonna go with no. i don't think the world could survive my scathing inner dialogue and brutal mental honesty. bare my heart and soul? well maybe, as long as i can write it down in private and no one ever reads it.

i'm at war with myself...but i'm winning

i have the chronic problem of wishing away my life. i say that i have to have the next big event to look forward to, and when that doesn't happen soon enough, i wish away the months, weeks, days, and hours. and yet i dread the day when my time will run out.

right now i'm wishing away the minutes.

i can't stand desk jobs, because i don't like being chained to a computer and roller chair existence. but i can't stand jobs where i don't get a chance to sit down and rest my structurally retarded feet. if you ask me to come up with something creative for work, i will say that i can't, because i can't think on the spot, and my creativity needs some parameters. but then again, i abhor situations that don't make use of my wildly fanciful thought patterns.

right now my creativity is being called into action, but not in the way i want it to be.

i long for a brighter outlook, but get annoyed at people who are always happy. i wish that i wasn't so pessimistic, but i kind of really like being melancholy. i hate emotional roller coasters, but sometimes i just want to get really excited about something.

i have perfected the art of dead eyes, but right now i wish i weren't so good at it.

to say that i am inconsistent, indecisive, and a walking contradiction could possible be the understatement of the second. because in the next second it could change. and it wouldn't surprise me.

it's in the way He speaks

i have always wished that God would just be straight forward with me.  as in an audible voice that would tell me what i needed to hear. i mean He did it back in the bible times, right? well i don't get that voice. i don't get the pillars of cloud and fire.  i don't get dreams telling me what to do. i don't get miraculous signs and wonders (unless i am just missing them?). sometimes i have felt that God doesn't communicate with me very much, if at all.

well, that is kind of changing. or maybe i am just slowly coming into recognition of how God actually does communicate with me and the means He uses.

He speaks to me through books. no joke. sounds crazy right? but it's true. it's even cooler because i LOVE to read. i was thinking about this last night, and while it might not strike anybody else as special, it is very special to me.

i've never been a good verbal communicator. i'm quiet, shy, and rarely speak my mind for fear of embarrassing myself or offending others. i have learned that if i want to communicate well, my best option is writing.  it gives me time to think about what i want to say, to choose the exact way i want to present something.  i put a lot of thought, time, and emotional energy into what i write. it's how i express my deep emotions. this is also why i am most deeply moved by things i read.

so it struck me last night, that God communicates with me in the way i will understand and appreciate best. He speaks to me in a manner that i very much enjoy, and a way that gives me time to personally take note and reflect. He speaks to me in the way that will get my attention and affect me most. just like my earthly father can move me to tears with the inscriptions in the front of books that he gives me, God does that too. what's more is that the information communicated to me is what i need to hear, exactly when i need to hear it. it's like His special little love language to me.

and i always think that i am just randomly picking up a book for fun. . . how foolish i am.

this past week and a half for me has been very much a life lesson time.  it was like God was throwing multiple situations that were very similar in nature and hurt factor at me to see how much i could handle.  on a scale from tranquil to emotional wreck, i'd say that i was somewhere in the middle, somewhat surprisingly.  usually i'm glancing at emotional wreck as i zoom on by it.

God blessed this week.  big time.  and i really have to give all the credit to Him for what happened and how i was able to handle it.  He really confronted me with crap that i needed to face, needed to think about, needed to re-evaluate, and needed to change.  change is shaky for me.  i often have good intentions, but not always a lot of follow through.  let's just say God emphasized the following through part this week.

i have been on a journey to figure myself out better, and this week taught me a very important lesson on my emotional energy level, and how i should spend and invest it.  he taught me about past hurts, and how to work through them, and sometimes just how to move on and the importance of supporting people, even though we've had rough patches.  i cannot be as self-centered on my emotions and my reactions, that is not what God made me for.  one of the greatest gifts God has given me is a huge heart, and an outstanding ability to sympathize and empathize.  the problem is, i often don't let on that i have those gifts, or that i care a lot about people more than i let on.  gifts are best when shared, and that's something i need to work on.

another thing that was brought to my attention hardcore this week is a huge problem that i struggle with, and don't 100% know how to change.  i don't know how to let myself be cherished.  i never want to assume that i mean something to people, or am worth something.  i make myself insignificant, i don't think that i have valuable opinions worth hearing. i don't know how to let people love me.  i never think boys would check me out or be interested in me.  i never think that people consider me one of their best friends.  i always let myself feel like an add-on, third-wheel, tag-along, not completely wanted person.

i am a good friend, i am wanted, i am loved, and heck, a guy checked me out in the gym today. i need a 180 degree turn in my thinking, and it will probably be a slow process, but again, i need to follow through and really work on this.  i am worth it.  maybe not to everybody, but to a lot of people, and i know that there are a lot of people that yearn for my support and love.

and in the midst of all this crap and learning this week, God put a blessing in there too.  He never leaves me without a ray of hope for very long.  i have an interview for an internship that looks very promising.  and for the first time, someone who doesn't know me from eve said that i have a very impressive résumé.  praise God!

i think i am finally starting to get a taste of what it is like to really lean on Jesus.  i'm usually too stubborn and obsessed with being perfect to give up that kind of control.  but this week has shown me that i cannot do things in and of my own power, especially the hard stuff.  i hope i never forget that.

so if you read this blog, there's something i ask of you (yes, me asking for help).  please pray for me.  pray for my journey, my spiritual growth and professional growth.  pray that i keep on leaning on Jesus, and that God will do whatever it takes to keep me that way.  pray that i will find my worth in God, and pray that i will know my own worth and really learn to love myself so that i can come into my own.

i'm tired of trying to be perfect.  all it's gotten me is decent grades and a lot of heartache.  i'm tired of trying, and i'm tired of failing.

today was one of those sucker punch to the gut days.  thanks life, i really appreciated that.

i cannot live without hope.  for i am but a dim shadow of my former self, unable to achieve the potential i possess.  for the absence of hope is the absence of light, and without light, i cannot move forward.

come after me

i want God to pursue me.  is that just because i am lazy and want Him to do all the work?  or is it that i want something deep like i have never had here on earth?  maybe i just want to feel wanted or something.  maybe i just want to know He is there.

the church i was at was interesting today. it began with sabbath school, where i was able to view a grown man in overalls straight up digging for gold in his nose during the lesson. then the church service started with one of those old ladies who is really involved and kind of looks like she wants to be in charge of the church.  then there were the two old (and yes, i mean elderly) ladies who were leading the praise music time.  they didn't seem to understand the tempo for the more contemporary songs (and by contemporary, i mean twila paris and sandy patti era), which made for some interesting singing.  then there was the little boy who put the picture he had scribbled in the offering plate when it passed by him.  i'll admit, it was cute.  children's story brought not only the little ones, but also two late teenage and/or early twenties boys who were more unruly than the younger ones (one guy almost knocked a little girl off her feet) and who couldn't stop exclaiming and fist bumping about the sword that was involved in the story.  following this was a special music by another elderly lady.  i think the intro might have been a hymn, but it soon turned into a rendition of 'oh what a beautiful morning'--as in the song from the musical oklahoma.  apparently she has a track record of incorporating broadway into her special musics. but hey, there's gotta be some spice in life to keep it interesting.

art museums, science museums

maybe even natural history museums

planetariums

aquariums

ballets

operas

symphonies

cathedral tours

shakespeare plays at the shakespeare tavern

quaint little cafés with lots of character and hot chocolate to die for

high school sporting events

elementary school christmas pageants

pro hockey games

drive in movies

IMAX theaters



my top 16 date ideas

all the world's a stage

part of me has always wondered if i would be a good actress, maybe as an outlet for my current introverted self.  i've dabbled in performing, experiencing opposite ends of the ability spectrum.  in grade school i had a flair for the dramatic it seemed, always being cast in the lead roles in our classroom plays.  this of course was before my confidence and self-assurance were stripped away by the chemical called high school.  but i also had success in later years, being cast as miss bliss in a camp play.  i think i can safely say that i did well at that role, with a pillow butt, muumuu, blue eye shadow, and boston accent to complete the ensemble.

but i've also had failures.  camp plays have not always been my friend (most of my appearances as "bobanna"), and shakespeare class was abominable--i have never forgotten so many lines!

i feel though, like this doesn't just apply to theater-esque situations.  i think that this applies to my life in general.  i am good, too good, at acting indifferently when i really do care, or actually have violent reactions to things.  i am good at acting like a hardened snob, when really i am falling apart inside, craving love and fellowship. but i fail to put on a convincing act when i need to care about something and i don't, or when i need to show someone love--and i can't . . .

this interplay of good acting/bad acting may be convincing to some, and total bullshit to others, but it's just plain confusing to me.  i think that in my attempts to trick the world about how i am feeling, i am really just tricking myself.  i don't know what to think, how to act, or how to recognize if i am even being real.

good actress, bad actress.  maybe i should just give up acting altogether.

This about sums it up...

The wind is moving

But I am standing still

A life of pages

Waiting to be filled

A heart that’s hopeful

A head that’s full of dreams

But this becoming

Is harder than it seems

Feels like I’m

Looking for a reason

Roaming through the night to find

My place in this world

My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on

I need Your light to help me find

My place in this world

My place in this world

If there are millions

Down on their knees

Among the many

Can you still hear me

Hear me asking

Where do I belong

Is there a vision

That I can call my own

Show me I’m

Looking for a reason

Roaming through the night to find

My place in this world

My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on

I need Your light to help me find

My place in this world

My place in this world

        ~Michael W. Smith

goals

so i'll admit it, based on how things have gone for the past 20 years in the romance department, i'm anticipating being single for the rest of my life.  fear not.  i'm not saying this to exact pity or anything like that. i'm not even in a terribly melancholy mood (despite my current choice in playlist . . .). no, i say this simply as a lead-in to my main idea.

in thinking what i want to do with all my anticipated free evenings and weekends, i have some goals that i want to accomplish.  i want to do cool, mostly intelligent things with my life.  i may even want to become more cultured.  is that bad?

so i'm going to learn how to play the cello.  and then the french horn after that.  i'm going to travel europe, which will include many stops at art galleries, and probably a cathedrals tour.  i'm going to learn italian, maybe even live in italy for a while.  i'm also going to learn german.  this is so i can get that art history degree someday.  i'm going to pursue ballroom dancing.  like maybe even try to get so good that i can compete in it.  i may not even just stick to the boring kosher dances.  baking really well is a goal sort of floating around in there, but i'm not sure i want to pursue that one yet.  i do know that i will work in a flower shop at some point.

i just keep thinking about how i have plenty of time to enter the "real world" work force, and i'm not feeling any need to rush it.  when am i going to have the chance to be young other than when i am young?

i don't think my parents will like this philosophy . . .

all i know is that i want to find a passion, and pursue a lot of things in the process.  maybe i should go find german friends who speak italian and work in a flower shop in italy.  or give art tours in english or something.  who knows.  my world is wide open.  now to just find the courage and perseverance to actually do it . . .

things rolling around in my mind:

i am desperately trying to hang on to the recently regained small hope that my future may have some promise.

the end times, are we in them? and could it be psychological warfare rather than the physical torture we have all (or at least i) thought it would be?

true love, for God, for men.

humility

grace, how do i fully grasp and appreciate it? can i?

acceptance, non-judgemental

prayer