isn't it funny

when God speaks to you through some random thing, what you needed to hear, and exactly when you needed to hear it?

how do you resolve

a best friend God against a God who deserves our fear?

one who you can turn to at any moment versus one you should make an appointment with

one who you can spill out your guts to, but one you should not even speak in front of because words are pointless babble

one who has arms open wide for us to run into, however, is one that we should not dare to approach but fall flat on our faces in front of instead

one that deserves our undying loyalty, but who also deserves our awe

one who we can dare to approach rather casually versus one who we should dare to approach only with a completely reverent attitude

how do you do it? can it even be done?

is that just another aspect of God? complete opposite but both at the same time? demanding one thing versus the other, but accepting them all? welcoming them all?

how do you know what attitude God wants from you? does it change depending on the circumstances? the time of day? how you are feeling? how He is feeling?

recap

today i finally started teaching again. my student was nilde, a beautiful graceful woman in her mid thirties. she is the secretary for the president. she is my most advanced student, but also my most eager. she craves knowledge of the english language and eagerly dissects and questions in turn. it felt good to be doing what i was brought here to do. i hate preparing for classes, but i have to admit that having fun with a student, learning and laughing about our respective languages fuels me on. and today i was actually over prepared for class (for once). it was good.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________


tonight i spoke for a week of prayer. i teared up in a part i didn't want to, and i went kind of long, but i think i was finally able to show people a little bit of the personality that i have kept pretty buried thus far. and i think my talk touched at least one person too. she is a person i deeply respect and she came up to me with tears in her eyes, made sure i looked her in the eyes and said "gracias kreesta. que hermosa. gracias." it felt good.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________


after worship i took my apple and jar of jif peanut butter that southern sent me to lauren's room. we haven't hung out in a while and we sat and enjoyed each other's company. she practiced her speech and we had a deep conversation. it was good.

reality can hurt

i've been trying to read through the Great Controversy again lately, and today i read about the Waldenses. they were so faithful amidst so much persecution. but what got me, was reading about the church of rome. the pope, the high officials, they were all so corrupt and awful. they persecuted innocent people because they were following the truth. "no charge could be brought against the moral character of this proscribed class. even their enemies declared them to be a peaceable, quiet, pious people. their grand offense was that they would not worship God according to the will of the pope." the whole thing is just wrong. "the papal leaders would not conform their characters to the great standard of God's law, but erected a standard to suit themselves, and determined to compel all to conform to this because rome willed it." the whole thing just sickens me.

but how often do we do the same thing, fashioning a religion that suits us? and how often does that sicken me?

reality can be a bit harsh, can't it.

fantasy

one day i am going to have a huge library with a ladder that you have to climb on to get books. that ladder is going to move and i am going to reenact the library scene from beauty and the beast when no one is looking. my library is going to have all sorts of nooks and crannies to sit in and curl up and read all day. my library is going to have a secret door that opens to some place cool. my library is going to be my escape.

one day i am going to have a beautiful music room, with a specific place for all my instruments. but most importantly, i am going to have a big shiny black baby grand piano at which i will sit and play to my heart's content. i will play with all the gusto i can muster, and play with all the emotion and heart that i can. my music room is going to be where i learn to play at least one more instrument before i die. my music room will be where i belt out all sorts of songs at the top of my lungs where no one can hear me. my music room will be my release.

one day i am going to have a huge studio where i can paint. it will have blank walls that i will splash paint over and practice whatever suits my fancy. it will have cupboards and drawers where i can keep all my supplies neatly organized. my studio will be a fantasy land full of artistic whims. my studio will be the place where a masterpiece of the world will someday be painted. my studio will be where my inspiration comes to me. my studio will be my expression.

one day i am going to have an expansive backyard with a hill and a meadow filled with rippling long grass and wildflowers. my meadow will be where i go to pray. i will twirl around and around until i am too dizzy to stay on my feet. my meadow will be a place to just sit with my thoughts while the breeze takes me to places unknown in my imagination. my meadow will be a place of love. my meadow will be just for me, where no one else can find me. i will lie and look at the stars at night in my meadow. my meadow will be my sanctuary.

tonight i went for a walk

it started out as wanting a small form of exercise, but as i walked around campus i found myself wandering into the garden of prayer. i have never gone there of my own wanting, but tonight it sort of drew me in. i sat down with every intention of praying, but i got distracted. i got distracted by the peace i felt as i sat there.

the night is deliciously cool, cold almost, and i felt the results of that on my skin. i watched a black cat chasing a cricket in the way that only a cat can. and i know it sounds silly, but that was the most beautiful thing to me in that moment. and i became aware of the peace, the restoration of just sitting, watching, and basking in the silence of being alone at night. no one else was there. the stars were shining, the crickets were softly chirping and i was with my God. ironic, how i found Him in the silence.

i thought about how He has a plan for me and that i don't need to worry. i even chuckled to myself with how much impact the simple thought had on me. it also dawned on me that even though i have confidence issues and may not be able to have confidence in myself, i can have confidence in Him. again, simple thought, but sometimes the simplest thoughts can be so profound for me at the right time.

i realized that i have lost focus, and now i'm trying to get it back. i am here for a purpose. and if that purpose be sitting in a little side office and stapling papers, then i will sit in that office and staple papers to the best of my ability. i am here to teach. and if it is only two or three students that i get to teach, well then i will try to teach them to the best of my ability. i am here to learn. to grow. to think. i think i am even here to hurt a little, so that i can look back and say, "you know what? i had some really hard times in argentina. but God got me through them. and even if it hurt, it was worth it, because He made me better because of it."

i know i can't explain it very well, but tonight was so beautiful.