nothing better

It's Sabbath today. I'm really thankful for that. I remember as a kid not liking Sabbaths very much because it meant that I couldn't do all the fun things that I wanted to, and as a result would be very bored for seemingly endless amounts of time. Summer Sabbaths were the worst, with the time change and all.

But thankfully that has all changed. There is nothing like a hectic week of school, projects, extracurricular activities and work to make me so appreciative for a day of rest. God sure knew what he was doing. I even like the time change now because it means an extra hour of Sabbath!

The spring days can be so beautiful, and to me there is nothing better than a day like today: a warm, sunny, peaceful Sabbath morning. I love walking outside and having everything just feel different, hallowed almost. There is always a quiet hush, birds singing, sometimes even a gentle breeze that just makes me feel so content. I cling to those moments. Heaven knows I need them.

So thank you God! Thanks for knowing what I needed. Thanks for the beauty and peace that you created. It means a lot to me.

some day

i long for the day when i can look back and honestly say, "I've made it, i've made it through in one piece," and then slowly turn around, and never look back.

oh these special things

I have been inspired by various blogs lately to think of things that make me happy, things i like, and things that are good. This could be long, it could be short, we will just have to see. I apologize if my ramblings seem pointless.

I love english muffins.

I like it when I am feeling so happy that I can't help but dance.

I love good hugs. Not lame dead fish hugs. I'm talking about wrap you in my arms and protect you from the world type of hugs.

I too enjoy the beauty of honest-to-goodness friends.

I like it when my friends can get my real laugh out of me.

i like staying up late talking.

I love the feeling of accomplishment.

I absolutely love fall!

I love good home cooking. Especially when the lasagna is perfect....mmmmm!

I will admit, I really like baby kittens and puppies. So cute!

I like a clean house. Nay, I LOVE a clean house.

I kind of like cleaning sometimes....

I like speaking spanish. Shhhh. Don't tell.

I get a thrill from winging tests. Sometimes it bites me in the butt, but not often.

I love the feeling of knowing that people have got my back.

I like cupcakes.

I LOVE cheesecake.

I really like chai tea from Trader Joe's.

I LOVE WAWONA!

I really like the feeling after a good work out, but i still don't work out. go figure.

I love triple jumping and high jumping. long jump is pretty good too.

I love beautiful photography.

I like getting dressed up and getting all girly.

I LOVE HIGH HEELS!

But I also love wearing boys basketball shorts and a baggy t-shirt.

I love the feeling when I paint a good picture.

I love nature.

I love the feeling of God being right beside me.

I love finding a Bible verse that is just what I needed.

I love singing harmony.

I love going to sleep when I'm really tired.

I love the natural highs in life.

I love so many things that I can't even list them all. Thanks to those who love me. I love you all too!

to rise

The bird proudly willing to burn,
So that he may live again,
Chooses the flames of fires
That burn the aged Phoenix
The nature stands still
Till a new young bird starts again,
and begins the legend of the Phoenix.

- Claudian

One day in the ancient times, the sun looked down and saw a large bird with bright red and dazzling gold feathers. The sun god blessed him, "Glorious Phoenix, you shall be my bird and live forever!" The Phoenix was overjoyed to hear these words and sang, “I shall sing my songs for you alone!"

But living forever didn’t make him happy for long. Men, women, and children were always chasing him, wanting some of those beautiful, shiny feathers for themselves. Tired, the phoenix flew off toward the east, where the sun rises in the morning. The Phoenix flew for a long time, and then came to a far away, hidden desert where no humans lived. Here, flying freely he would sing the songs of praise to the sun alone.

Five centuries passed. The Phoenix was still alive, but it had grown old. It couldn't soar so high in the sky, nor fly as fast or as far as it was young. It wasn’t as strong. The Phoenix sang, "Sun, glorious sun, make me young and strong again!"

The sun didn't answer. When the sun still didn't answer, the Phoenix decided to return to the place of its origin. The journey was long, and because the Phoenix was old and weak, it had to rest along the way. Each time it landed, it collected pieces of cinnamon bark and all kinds of fragrant leaves.

When at last the bird returned to its home, it landed on a tall palm tree. Right at the top of the tree, the Phoenix built a nest with the cinnamon bark and lined it with the fragrant leaves. Then the Phoenix collected myrrh, a sharp-scented gum and made an egg from it. It carried the egg back to the nest. The Phoenix sat down in its nest, and once again, sang, "Sun, glorious sun, make me young and strong again!"

This time the sun heard the song. It shone down on the mountainside with all its strength. Everyone, every animal, reptile, bird hid from the sun's fierce rays -- in caves and holes, under shady rocks and trees.

Only the Phoenix sat upon its nest at the top of the tallest palm tree on the highest mountain and let the suns rays beat down upon it beautiful, shiny feathers. Suddenly there was a flash of light, flames leaped out of the nest, and the Phoenix became a big round ball of fire.

After a while the flames died down. Strangely, the nest and the tree remained unaffected by the fire! But the Phoenix disappeared. Only a heap of silvery-gray ash remained in the nest.

Suddenly, the ash began to tremble and slowly heaved itself upward. Rose a young Phoenix. It was small and, like new born, looked sort of crumpled. But stretching its neck it lifted and flapped its wings. Moment by moment it grew, until it was the same size as the old Phoenix.

A new Phoenix rises in splendor. It rises from the ashes.


(Mohan Deep)

counter-balance

Yesterday I broke.
But I had a friend who tried to glue me back together.
Last night I was weak.
But I had a prayer warrior on the other side of the country.
In the early morning I was alone.
But I had someone waiting for me on the other side of dawn.
Today I am lost.

And I don't know how to find my way

I need my heart broken

While I was cleaning today I, as usual, had my music blasting so that I can be motivated. But when I was winding down with the cleaning, a song came on with some lyrics that really made me question:

If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love.
If it doesn't break your heart, it's not enough.
It's when you're breaking down
With your insides coming out
That's when you find out
What your heart is made of.

That made me ask myself what I love and what really breaks my heart. Do the children that have been abused, raped, and abandoned that Tara fights for break my heart? Do the homeless that Ben has a soccer team with break my heart? Do the kids at camp who don't have stable homes or know Jesus break my heart? Does it break my heart that this world is still not ready for Jesus to come back?

If I answer honestly, then no. They don't break my heart.

What is so wrong with me that they don't? Where are my priorities? What really breaks my heart? If these things don't, then can anything?

Another song I listened to became my prayer.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Break my heart God. Break it for what breaks yours.

breaking the pattern

I don't claim to be perfect. Because I'm not.

I don't claim to know all the answers. Because I don't.

I don't claim to understand life. Because I can't.

I don't claim to never fail. Because I won't.

But...

I try to be human. Because I am.

I try to care. Because I do.

I try to grow. Because I can.

I try to persevere. Because I will.

I'm not one of those people who has life all figured out, who never lets their emotions get the better of them. I"m not always confident, beautiful, or funny, and I can be messy. I can be boring. I can be fake. I can text people too often. I cry too much for my own liking and I don't have the same humor as everyone else. But even though I may not be perfect, I am determined. I am determined to break the pattern of this life I've lived. I'm sick of being predictable. I'm sick of playing it safe. I'm sick of keeping the status quo just because it is comfortable. I'm sick of living in a box. Give me new experiences. Give me new challenges. Cause me to stretch. Cause me to grow. Cause me to think, to consider, to ponder. Cause me to go outside of myself. Call me into question. Call me into your arms. Let me hurt. Let me love. Let me live. I just want to live.

It's starting.