this past week and a half for me has been very much a life lesson time.  it was like God was throwing multiple situations that were very similar in nature and hurt factor at me to see how much i could handle.  on a scale from tranquil to emotional wreck, i'd say that i was somewhere in the middle, somewhat surprisingly.  usually i'm glancing at emotional wreck as i zoom on by it.

God blessed this week.  big time.  and i really have to give all the credit to Him for what happened and how i was able to handle it.  He really confronted me with crap that i needed to face, needed to think about, needed to re-evaluate, and needed to change.  change is shaky for me.  i often have good intentions, but not always a lot of follow through.  let's just say God emphasized the following through part this week.

i have been on a journey to figure myself out better, and this week taught me a very important lesson on my emotional energy level, and how i should spend and invest it.  he taught me about past hurts, and how to work through them, and sometimes just how to move on and the importance of supporting people, even though we've had rough patches.  i cannot be as self-centered on my emotions and my reactions, that is not what God made me for.  one of the greatest gifts God has given me is a huge heart, and an outstanding ability to sympathize and empathize.  the problem is, i often don't let on that i have those gifts, or that i care a lot about people more than i let on.  gifts are best when shared, and that's something i need to work on.

another thing that was brought to my attention hardcore this week is a huge problem that i struggle with, and don't 100% know how to change.  i don't know how to let myself be cherished.  i never want to assume that i mean something to people, or am worth something.  i make myself insignificant, i don't think that i have valuable opinions worth hearing. i don't know how to let people love me.  i never think boys would check me out or be interested in me.  i never think that people consider me one of their best friends.  i always let myself feel like an add-on, third-wheel, tag-along, not completely wanted person.

i am a good friend, i am wanted, i am loved, and heck, a guy checked me out in the gym today. i need a 180 degree turn in my thinking, and it will probably be a slow process, but again, i need to follow through and really work on this.  i am worth it.  maybe not to everybody, but to a lot of people, and i know that there are a lot of people that yearn for my support and love.

and in the midst of all this crap and learning this week, God put a blessing in there too.  He never leaves me without a ray of hope for very long.  i have an interview for an internship that looks very promising.  and for the first time, someone who doesn't know me from eve said that i have a very impressive résumé.  praise God!

i think i am finally starting to get a taste of what it is like to really lean on Jesus.  i'm usually too stubborn and obsessed with being perfect to give up that kind of control.  but this week has shown me that i cannot do things in and of my own power, especially the hard stuff.  i hope i never forget that.

so if you read this blog, there's something i ask of you (yes, me asking for help).  please pray for me.  pray for my journey, my spiritual growth and professional growth.  pray that i keep on leaning on Jesus, and that God will do whatever it takes to keep me that way.  pray that i will find my worth in God, and pray that i will know my own worth and really learn to love myself so that i can come into my own.

i'm tired of trying to be perfect.  all it's gotten me is decent grades and a lot of heartache.  i'm tired of trying, and i'm tired of failing.

today was one of those sucker punch to the gut days.  thanks life, i really appreciated that.

i cannot live without hope.  for i am but a dim shadow of my former self, unable to achieve the potential i possess.  for the absence of hope is the absence of light, and without light, i cannot move forward.