i'm lying here on my bed in the dorm room, all stretched out and watching a tv show on my computer. it's a warm fall day and the sunlight is streaming in through my windows, creating an atmosphere that takes me back to other times.

as i look out the window, it makes me want to be in other places, home, to be exact. and tagging along with that thought comes a question. am i always going to be like this? constantly just being juggled around through different phases in life, but always longing for a time that i'm not currently in, past or future?

i think that a lot of times i just endure whatever place i am in. you know, the whole phrase "surviving but not thriving." there are the occasional times where i am content and peaceful, but there should be more of those.

i need to stop dwelling on the past. life is full of change, and it always will be. i need to stop dreaming up fantasies for the future that are dumb and stupid and not going to happen, and i need to stop stressing about the future too. because again, life has a way of changing that i can't control.

i need to let my life play out, and enjoy the ride while it's happening. i'm not very good at it, but i really need to start trying to live in the moment, and thriving. why waste the gift that's been given to me on things that don't matter?

i hate change, i resist it. but maybe it's time to start realizing that change is not the enemy. without change, i would not be in the place i am today, physically and personally. without change, it's almost like being without hope. and hope is something i cannot live without. if i embrace hope, i must embrace change.

i don't know. i don't have this all sorted out into nice categories in my brain, and part of me thinks that's actually impossible. i don't have it figured out. i guess i just want to think about it some more. be more aware, that's all.