i expected nights like these. i did. but at the same time i feel like i wasn't prepared for them. it's one of those nights where i have burdens. the ones that weigh heavy on my mind. the ones that are so heavy on my mind that they end up crashing through my mind to my shoulders, then my heart, slowly compressing the air out of my lungs on the way.
i've let things pile up. and i know that. but now i'm finding out that piles are not fun or easy to carry.
tonight i am frustrated. i am frustrated with so many things, but mainly i am frustrated with myself. i am letting myself down. and in turn i am letting others down which only makes me more frustrated with myself. the all too real vicious circle. those feelings really eat away at me.
tonight i was again reminded by an outside source of areas where i am lacking. that is never fun to hear. i know i will eventually take that criticism and turn it into something that will spur me on, but right now that little pin prick to my heart is throbbing just a little.
tonight i see my failures all too clearly and the roadblocks that i have made for myself. it's kind of a hard thing to realize that i have chased after a few too many butterflies and have distracted myself right off the path to God.
tonight i want a good cry, but it's not coming.
and tonight is one of those nights where i just feel very alone.
i know i can try to comfort myself with all the clichés about it getting better with time and it will be better in the morning and never give up and that God is always there. but you have to admit. sometimes it doesn't feel like there is hope and it doesn't feel like God is there, even if you know He is. i don't feel Him there because i have run away and pushed Him away some too. no matter how many christian songs i listen to or psalms i read, there is no peace for me. but i know what i have to do.
i don't have a happy ending to this right now. i don't have some good moral of the story or a brilliant spiritual lesson.
i have questions. i have unresolved feelings and stories. i have some anger. i have all of what i am staring me in the face. i have my frustrations, my regrets, my stiff arm, my walls, my deepest desires, my future. i have my reality that i need to talk to God about.
i am just me. and right now i feel like that is the hardest thing of all to face.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
for your boredom
last sabbath was one of the more entertaining church services i have been to in awhile. but it wasn't because of the service. i sat in between katie wilson and lauren brooks up in the balcony. and we were a wreck. first there was a little boy behind us that distracted us. he was screaming, pounding his shoes on the ground, poking us, and at one point he was under my chair. there was hardly any space in between the rows up there so i kept kicking the guy in front of me in the butt accidentally because if i crossed my legs it was at that exact height. a little ways into the sermon, katie dropped her keys down into the row in front of us, under the guy who i kept kicking. she tried to bend down to get them but couldn't reach them, so she tried kneeling and in the process, semi body slammed the poor guy. he tried to reach them but couldn't, so his wife had to grab them. lauren had brought a craft to church to work on. when she first went to get it from her bag, we discovered a rather large spider by the wall. she pushed it away and it disappeared, only to reappear later between me and katie. we freaked and parted like the red sea as much as we could. lauren being the brave one, grabbed one of her patent leather pumps and body surfed over my knees to smoosh it. and last but not least, when lauren returned to her craft, she tried to put her tape away, but instead flung it into the row ahead of us to, you guessed it, the poor couple who had been putting up with us the whole time. the lady retrieved the tape and handed it back to lauren. i think we all felt like kindergarteners that day.
in a quick change of plans, i was able to go to a place called iguazu falls in argentina with the aca group. it was so beautiful there, but so so hot! it was extremely humid and sticky. i hate being sticky. and damp. but it was worth it because i seriously felt like i was in the movie avatar it was so other worldly. (what is it with me and avatar lately?!) we had an 18 hour bus ride to get there. we left that saturday evening at 11. i actually slept a lot and the ride was fairly uneventful. it was a completely different story on the way back. our bus air conditioning decided to not work. and with it being in the 90s and 100s with like 94% humidity, it was dang hot. for those of you who were with me on the bus back from elat in israel, reference that, only with the humidity factor. it was just a wee bit brutal. and then we spent like an hour and a half at some podunk gas station with a blown diesel pump tube something or other. in the end they got it fixed, but my head lamp did not fair well. i had loaned it to the cause and now the band is soaked with diesel fuel and oil. bueno.
my roommate and i have taken up golfing. with crickets. we wind up and drive them down the hall with the broom. tonight i was being especially exuberant in my attempts. i decided that i hadn't booted one far enough down the hall so i ran after it and swung on the run. but mid swing/run one of my friends was at the end of the hall and screamed bloody murder when i flung the cricket at her. it was so funny.
tonight i almost ate it in the shower. while simultaneously almost doing the splits. fear was very real in that moment.
the end.
for now.
in a quick change of plans, i was able to go to a place called iguazu falls in argentina with the aca group. it was so beautiful there, but so so hot! it was extremely humid and sticky. i hate being sticky. and damp. but it was worth it because i seriously felt like i was in the movie avatar it was so other worldly. (what is it with me and avatar lately?!) we had an 18 hour bus ride to get there. we left that saturday evening at 11. i actually slept a lot and the ride was fairly uneventful. it was a completely different story on the way back. our bus air conditioning decided to not work. and with it being in the 90s and 100s with like 94% humidity, it was dang hot. for those of you who were with me on the bus back from elat in israel, reference that, only with the humidity factor. it was just a wee bit brutal. and then we spent like an hour and a half at some podunk gas station with a blown diesel pump tube something or other. in the end they got it fixed, but my head lamp did not fair well. i had loaned it to the cause and now the band is soaked with diesel fuel and oil. bueno.
my roommate and i have taken up golfing. with crickets. we wind up and drive them down the hall with the broom. tonight i was being especially exuberant in my attempts. i decided that i hadn't booted one far enough down the hall so i ran after it and swung on the run. but mid swing/run one of my friends was at the end of the hall and screamed bloody murder when i flung the cricket at her. it was so funny.
tonight i almost ate it in the shower. while simultaneously almost doing the splits. fear was very real in that moment.
the end.
for now.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
for granted
about 45 minutes ago one of my friends here found out that his father died today.
we are all in shock and don't know exactly what to do.
i just keep thinking "that could have been my dad or mom." it is my worst fear that one day while i am at college or away from home that i will get a phone call telling me that one of my precious parents is gone. and i take them for granted.
so today, i am going to try to not take them for granted. i am blessed beyond belief to have the hard-working and loving parents that i have. they have given me the world to the best of their ability.
my world would be crushed without them.
i love you mom and dad. thank you for everything you have done for me.
i love you too jess.
we are all in shock and don't know exactly what to do.
i just keep thinking "that could have been my dad or mom." it is my worst fear that one day while i am at college or away from home that i will get a phone call telling me that one of my precious parents is gone. and i take them for granted.
so today, i am going to try to not take them for granted. i am blessed beyond belief to have the hard-working and loving parents that i have. they have given me the world to the best of their ability.
my world would be crushed without them.
i love you mom and dad. thank you for everything you have done for me.
i love you too jess.
outside the lines
You’ll never enjoy your life,
living inside the box
You’re so afraid of taking chances,
how you gonna reach the top?
Rules and regulations,
force you to play it safe
Get rid of all the hesitation,
it’s time for you to seize the day
Instead of just sitting around
and looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground,
the time is now
I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting,
I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Try to have no regrets
even if it’s just tonight
How you gonna walk ahead
if you keep living behind
Stuck in my same position,
you deserve so much more
There’s a whole world around us,
just waiting to be explored
Instead of just sitting around
and looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground,
the time is now, just let it go
The world will force you to smile
I’m here to help you notice the rainbow
Cause I know,
What’s in you is out there
I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting,
I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
I’m trying to be patient (I’m trying to be patient)
the first step is the hardest (the hardest)
I know you can make it,
go ahead and take it
I’m Waiting, waiting, just waiting I’m waiting
I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting
I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
You’ll never enjoy your life
Living inside the box
You’re so afraid of taking chances,
How you gonna reach the top?
-greyson chance
living inside the box
You’re so afraid of taking chances,
how you gonna reach the top?
Rules and regulations,
force you to play it safe
Get rid of all the hesitation,
it’s time for you to seize the day
Instead of just sitting around
and looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground,
the time is now
I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting,
I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Try to have no regrets
even if it’s just tonight
How you gonna walk ahead
if you keep living behind
Stuck in my same position,
you deserve so much more
There’s a whole world around us,
just waiting to be explored
Instead of just sitting around
and looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground,
the time is now, just let it go
The world will force you to smile
I’m here to help you notice the rainbow
Cause I know,
What’s in you is out there
I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting,
I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
I’m trying to be patient (I’m trying to be patient)
the first step is the hardest (the hardest)
I know you can make it,
go ahead and take it
I’m Waiting, waiting, just waiting I’m waiting
I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting
I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
You’ll never enjoy your life
Living inside the box
You’re so afraid of taking chances,
How you gonna reach the top?
-greyson chance
Sunday, January 16, 2011
beware of the shadowy figures
so i like to stay up late. i like to sit in the dark. i like to stay up late and sit in the dark on my computer and rock out to music. which is exactly what i was doing tonight while playing a game of solitaire. i was about half way through putting up all my fours when i noticed something out of the corner of my eye. i looked at the wall which is about a foot from me on my left and i notice a very large shadowy something making its way up my wall. my eyes quickly took in ANOTHER very large dark shadowy form chillin' on the wall just a little ways away. i quickly made my way AWAY from my desk and my wall and i ran and turned on a light, waking up my roommate in the process. when i looked back, there was a monstrous cricket on the floor too!!! i was like "no way! there can't be THIS MANY bugs all at once!" so i grab the broom and take care of the cricket first by sweeping him out the door and golfing him as far down the hall as i could. then i returned to the spiders. they were huge! and they decided to have a droid death match on my wall. i watched for a little bit, considering the possibility that they might take care of each other leaving me with nothing to worry about. but that didn't happen so i had to step in. i jammed my broom onto one and squished it in the corner and then got it to the ground to squish it more. one down. i went back for the other. i repeated my process of jamming and squishing. i still had the broom shoved in the corner and i let my mind wander a bit to revel in my victory when i looked back and the spider was crawling away! minus about three legs though... i quickly recovered and squished him in the corner again and got him on the floor and finished him off. then i swept both of them down the hall too. no way are those things going in the garbage in my room! THANK GOD FOR BROOMS! the worst part of this is knowing that they were so close to me, and i am pretty sure that one of them had sort of crawled on my arm in the dark because i had gotten tickled by something but couldn't find what it was. ugh. heebie geebies! and now i'm really paranoid about bugs being around me. i am so traumatized right now. and i know i won't forget about this soon. and if i do, i definitely have a couple of spider legs behind my picture on my desk to remember this by....
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
oh the joys....
like the infestation of crickets that crawl on your feet and hop on your legs when you least expect it, leaving you to scream and run like a little girl. oh wait, i am a girl, i'm allowed to do that.
cockroaches that somehow make their way into your closet and then fall out of it when the door opens, again, leaving you screaming and cringing that THAT BUG was frolicking around in your clothes. the nerve. i always thought WALL-E's pet cockroach was really cute and i was wondering if that could happen in real life. no. it cannot.
larger than life spiders that seem to come out of any hole possible and creepily crawl up the wall or onto your desk when you are mere inches away.
mosquitos that seem to inject more poison than normal when they bite, making every itch 100 times itchier and leaving everyone purposely scratching them until they bleed, because that's the only way to get the itching to stop.
green little grasshopper things that look harmless but are like mutant flying machines that like to sit on the shower stall and wander around, leaving the showerer to cautiously watch them lest they decide to get in the water too.
mutant giant beige colored mosquitos. i found one in the bathroom. it was seriously the size of half my palm and looked exactly like a mosquito, with a huge poker/stinger and everything.
the MILLIONS of little bugs that dive bomb your computer screen whenever it is dark out.
pigeons that don't know how to work their wings or estimate their approach of the ground very well. seriously. a pigeon flew right over my head the other day. i felt it's wings in my hair. and i can't forget the ones that fly up right in front of your face. and they poop on you. it's gross. i hate birdie bombs.
these are the joys my friends. won't you come enjoy them with me?
:)
cockroaches that somehow make their way into your closet and then fall out of it when the door opens, again, leaving you screaming and cringing that THAT BUG was frolicking around in your clothes. the nerve. i always thought WALL-E's pet cockroach was really cute and i was wondering if that could happen in real life. no. it cannot.
larger than life spiders that seem to come out of any hole possible and creepily crawl up the wall or onto your desk when you are mere inches away.
mosquitos that seem to inject more poison than normal when they bite, making every itch 100 times itchier and leaving everyone purposely scratching them until they bleed, because that's the only way to get the itching to stop.
green little grasshopper things that look harmless but are like mutant flying machines that like to sit on the shower stall and wander around, leaving the showerer to cautiously watch them lest they decide to get in the water too.
mutant giant beige colored mosquitos. i found one in the bathroom. it was seriously the size of half my palm and looked exactly like a mosquito, with a huge poker/stinger and everything.
the MILLIONS of little bugs that dive bomb your computer screen whenever it is dark out.
pigeons that don't know how to work their wings or estimate their approach of the ground very well. seriously. a pigeon flew right over my head the other day. i felt it's wings in my hair. and i can't forget the ones that fly up right in front of your face. and they poop on you. it's gross. i hate birdie bombs.
these are the joys my friends. won't you come enjoy them with me?
:)
Friday, January 7, 2011
to my friends who are scattered about. you know who you are
so many times i am impressed by my friends and the spiritual growth, heck, just the normal life growth i see in them (that kind of sounds like pregnancy but that's not what i mean). it makes me so glad and excited and want the same for myself. i feel like all of us can identify with the feelings of fear that come with being in or on the cusp of big life changes. but there my friends are, slogging through, when all of the sudden they stop, re-evaluate, and then start trying to joyfully run through the mire of life to the One who inspired them to run.
i am so proud of and inspired by you!
call me crazy, but i feel like God has a little network with all of us. like straight up avatar style network. we are all so close and connected, though miles apart, that we often are pondering or worrying about or feeling the same things without even knowing it. so when one or more of us is in need, God will use another person, be it in blogging or skyping or whatever, to reach out to others in the network about the very thing that they are having trouble with and uplift them. give expression to what is happening inside. i think that is so cool! and we don't even have to have those freaky braid thingies with tentacles to tap into our network.... suh-weet!
you want to know what i've been pondering lately? true joy, truly knowing myself and what i want, and the fact that God knows my heart better than i do, so i should just let him handle things.
so my friends, i just want you to know one thing: i see you.
:D
sorry this blog is weird and scattered....
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
apparently . . .
i have a sleeping problem. as in it's not happening.
i have decided to try and conquer all my world's problems.
i have decided to do that at night.
trying every possible contortion in my bed to find the "right" position is not working for me.
i can't shut off my brain.
walking and even dancing a bit up and down the empty halls doesn't help at all.
the fan makes a squeak at just the right decibel to keep me from sleep.
staring at myself in the mirror in the too brightly lit bathroom doesn't really put me to sleep either.
my lack of sleep is affecting my vision. it's acting strange.
not getting sleep will give me a perpetual headache that no amount of water will cure.
it's only like one more night of no sleep until i am considered clinically insane.
i have decided to try and conquer all my world's problems.
i have decided to do that at night.
trying every possible contortion in my bed to find the "right" position is not working for me.
i can't shut off my brain.
walking and even dancing a bit up and down the empty halls doesn't help at all.
the fan makes a squeak at just the right decibel to keep me from sleep.
staring at myself in the mirror in the too brightly lit bathroom doesn't really put me to sleep either.
my lack of sleep is affecting my vision. it's acting strange.
not getting sleep will give me a perpetual headache that no amount of water will cure.
it's only like one more night of no sleep until i am considered clinically insane.
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