come after me

i want God to pursue me.  is that just because i am lazy and want Him to do all the work?  or is it that i want something deep like i have never had here on earth?  maybe i just want to feel wanted or something.  maybe i just want to know He is there.

the church i was at was interesting today. it began with sabbath school, where i was able to view a grown man in overalls straight up digging for gold in his nose during the lesson. then the church service started with one of those old ladies who is really involved and kind of looks like she wants to be in charge of the church.  then there were the two old (and yes, i mean elderly) ladies who were leading the praise music time.  they didn't seem to understand the tempo for the more contemporary songs (and by contemporary, i mean twila paris and sandy patti era), which made for some interesting singing.  then there was the little boy who put the picture he had scribbled in the offering plate when it passed by him.  i'll admit, it was cute.  children's story brought not only the little ones, but also two late teenage and/or early twenties boys who were more unruly than the younger ones (one guy almost knocked a little girl off her feet) and who couldn't stop exclaiming and fist bumping about the sword that was involved in the story.  following this was a special music by another elderly lady.  i think the intro might have been a hymn, but it soon turned into a rendition of 'oh what a beautiful morning'--as in the song from the musical oklahoma.  apparently she has a track record of incorporating broadway into her special musics. but hey, there's gotta be some spice in life to keep it interesting.

art museums, science museums

maybe even natural history museums

planetariums

aquariums

ballets

operas

symphonies

cathedral tours

shakespeare plays at the shakespeare tavern

quaint little cafés with lots of character and hot chocolate to die for

high school sporting events

elementary school christmas pageants

pro hockey games

drive in movies

IMAX theaters



my top 16 date ideas

all the world's a stage

part of me has always wondered if i would be a good actress, maybe as an outlet for my current introverted self.  i've dabbled in performing, experiencing opposite ends of the ability spectrum.  in grade school i had a flair for the dramatic it seemed, always being cast in the lead roles in our classroom plays.  this of course was before my confidence and self-assurance were stripped away by the chemical called high school.  but i also had success in later years, being cast as miss bliss in a camp play.  i think i can safely say that i did well at that role, with a pillow butt, muumuu, blue eye shadow, and boston accent to complete the ensemble.

but i've also had failures.  camp plays have not always been my friend (most of my appearances as "bobanna"), and shakespeare class was abominable--i have never forgotten so many lines!

i feel though, like this doesn't just apply to theater-esque situations.  i think that this applies to my life in general.  i am good, too good, at acting indifferently when i really do care, or actually have violent reactions to things.  i am good at acting like a hardened snob, when really i am falling apart inside, craving love and fellowship. but i fail to put on a convincing act when i need to care about something and i don't, or when i need to show someone love--and i can't . . .

this interplay of good acting/bad acting may be convincing to some, and total bullshit to others, but it's just plain confusing to me.  i think that in my attempts to trick the world about how i am feeling, i am really just tricking myself.  i don't know what to think, how to act, or how to recognize if i am even being real.

good actress, bad actress.  maybe i should just give up acting altogether.