blindsided

i sit in my office chair, a bit stunned after his brief visit. and even though i feel like i shouldn't, i still want to let some tears escape to run down my face.

"Kreesta. Oscar Ramos me dijo en la semana pasada, que durante el verano, tu estás solo de ACA, todo el día." or in other words, i am only working in the ACA building during the summer here, not teaching any english.

i nod my head dumbly and mumble an "ok."

thoughts swirl around in my head as i sit in silent confusion. did i do something wrong? do they not like my teaching style and just want to escape from it? am i doing a bad job? do they wish they had never brought me here? am i grateful for the break? what the heck am i going to do all day in the ACA office? great, now i get to feel even more useless.

why can't i just do what they brought me here to do?

i knew this was experimental, but to be honest, i expected more out of it. i thought i would be a better teacher than i am. i thought i would have more consistency with my students. i dared to think i could actually teach them to speak english better. by the end of this, i will have had four months with the consistent ones, two with the non-consistent ones, and with a couple of them, exactly four hours.

the thought of FAILURE is riding me hard right now. it's riding me into the ground.

i guess the only thing i can cling to now, is that by working in the office, running errands for the teachers and grading papers, i am maybe making their life just a tiny bit less hectic. a bit easier. maybe.

that kind of love

i happened upon him in my silent walk through a concrete and marble maze. i saw him from a distance, his posture speaking volumes. he was sitting next to his wife. he was quiet, contemplative. his face wore many years of hard work and experience. there was sadness in his eyes, but he was there, nonetheless.

it was plain to see that he adored his wife in the way that he stared at her face. in a sweet gesture, he had brought her flowers. no words had to be uttered. companionship said it all.

i stood back and watched for a while, marveling at the love that the little old man had for his wife. i knew that i wanted a love like that someday.

as i walked on, i had tears in my eyes. because when i left, i left him quietly resting on his marble perch, sadly staring at the picture of his wife on her cold, marble tomb.

help me to say

i have been thinking about contentment. this is something that i really struggle with, appreciating what i have, where i am, what i am doing in the here and now. most times i focus on what i am lacking. but it seems to me that contentment can be a major key to happiness. it is in contentment that we take the time to thank God for what is actually in our lives. we appreciate the moment that we are walking, breathing, feeling. it is in times of doubt and pain and hurt that we can be content because we know that things will be alright.

contentment is a choice.

my dad has been talking to me a lot about praising God in whatever circumstances. i think this is contentment as well. i know that sometimes things seem so bad that i can't even dredge up words to praise. but that's when i think of a switchfoot song i like that becomes my prayer to God. "i'm on the run. i'm on the ropes this time. where is my song? i've lost the song of my soul tonight. sing it out. take what is left of me. make it a melody."

praise is an action.

i know that sometimes i am too tired to take action. i am too soul weary to keep plodding along. i am too broken to find words. but if there is not a song in my voice, at least there can be a song deep in my soul that i will sing for all i am worth.

"Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I’ve fallen so hard, sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond Your reach
I could climb a mountain, swim the ocean, or do anything
But it’s when You hold me that I start unfolding
And all that I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that rises over castles and welcomes the day
Spills over buildings into the streets where orphans play
And only You can see the good in broken things
You took my heart of stone, and You made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah"

right now i am not in a euphoric state, but i'm not in the depths of despair either. i'm just . . . here. but here, now, i'm wanting to be content. i'm going to choose to be content. and in my contentment, i will praise. because God deserves it.