i dressed up today. this normally doesn't happen for me. i shower at night so i can roll out of bed, throw on my comfy jeans and one of my fifty wawona t-shirts, spritz my hair a bit and go. oh, and i throw on my favorite make-up accessory--mascara. but thursday is my day to dress up because i have to get up early to pass out cards at morning meds, so i'm up and have a lot of time to get ready before my first class.

and here is where i should mention that i usually have someone i try to impress with my rare dress up/actually look cute days. well truth be told, i had two specific people i wanted to, you know, casually run into today. (does that make me a player....?) and boy was i prepared today. i had my dark skinny jeans on, a really cute (and actually feminine *gasp!*) shirt on, and i even did my sabbath make-up routine. and my hair and looked great! i even wore a little flower in it. totally uncharacteristic for me, i know. i brought out the big guns. i was feeling good. so good in fact, that i even walked to class. on the promenade. you know i've got some confidence going on when that happens.

and here is where i should say that i didn't see either of them. all day.

to say i was a wee bit disappointed is a wee bit of an understatement.

day=failure.

so then in my mind i concluded that i just need to try harder and to dress up and look cute everyday. but tonight when i was in the shower, i thought about it, and was slightly revolted by the idea. i did get more male attention today than normal, and while that makes me feel kind of good about myself, i don't want to have to try really hard and be someone that i'm not, just to get attention. i'm not a girly girl. i like that i don't wear a ton of make-up all the time. i don't want the pressure of having to appear perfect in order for someone to like me. to do all that primping, to spend tons of money on clothes just so i can be fashionable and deemed worthy of attention from boys that i probably shouldn't even be wanting attention from . . .to do that would be to admit defeat, to be like the majority of girls out there, the ones who can't rock a bare face or jeans with holes or bandanas. pardon me, but hell to the no!

i will be beautiful as i am.

i want to be me.

i just can't be anything different.

so while i am still a bit disappointed and drowning my sorrows in a tall glass of chocolate silk, i'm building a stronger resolve to rock what i got, even if it is in a wawona t-shirt.