Finding Joy

Life is often a struggle for me in that I struggle to find joy. It's a struggle for me because although I have some very definite beliefs and opinions, I'm not sure I can actually say many things that I enjoy doing or that bring me joy. It is so hard for me to answer the question, "So, what do you like to do for fun?". "Um . . . I don't know. I like to read." is usually my pat answer. I've always attributed this to the fact that I am by nature a quieter and more serious person, but lately this has not set well with me. Even if I am serious, there has still got to be at least a few things that bring me joy or that I find fun.

With this in my mind, I pulled out a journal that my old college roommate had given me a few years ago. I keep it by my bed in case I ever want to use it as a prayer journal or something. It's got a beachy theme with lots of quotes about the ocean interspersed throughout its pages. The beach is not entirely my thing, but the quote on the cover is something I want to be my thing:

"Find what brings you joy and go there." -Jan Phillips

I am not sure if I can fully articulate the sizzle this started in my heart. There were feelings of intense desire to find joy, and yet with that, the recognition that I always sit back and wait for joy to happen to me, when really, I should be seeking it out. "Find what brings you joy and go there." There is a journey entailed there, a determined seeking out. It means I have to get off my rear end and stop simply accepting what happens to me in the hopes that joy will come my way. I have to go out and do things, try things in order to find what brings me joy, what I find fun. There is an exploration component to this that I have been neglecting.

There is potential for this quote to be taken as an escapist thought, and in some ways, an escape is what I long for also, à la Eat, Pray, Love, but it also speaks of a safe place, a place that I can always go to for a hit of happiness in this oft-too-dreary world.

I'm still going to struggle, and I have a long trial and error process in front of me, but here's to hoping that I actually figure out what I like to do for fun.

I've been struggling with something for a while now, the concept of needs versus selflessness. I just don't know the answer to this no matter how much I work it over in my mind. I think part of the conflict comes from being a person of faith in the 21st century. As a Christian, I want to model my life after Christ, and he was very selfless. However in the age we live in, our society is very focused on self and looking out for number one. I believe in taking care of myself, but for some reason I feel that to have needs, and to (heaven forbid) express them, is something that is unforgivable.

I struggle with perfection, and for most of my life, perfection has looked like a person with no needs, who can endlessly give of themselves with a smile on their face, a person who does not let a thought cross their minds about feeling empty or feeling like it's someone else's turn to give, to nurture, to affirm, to put forth effort even if they don't feel like it; to do the work. I've been raised with the idea (or I've come across it along the way) that I should turn the other cheek, to suck it up and buck up, to be the perpetual deaconess who denies herself so that others can be satisfied first and repeatedly. I have this idea that if there has to be a martyr in a situation, I should raise my hand and volunteer. Where does this come from?

If I have needs, I am selfish, inconsiderate . . . needy. I don't want to be needy. But I don't want to dry up and wither either.

I can't reconcile the two.