not really alive . . . unless

The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: a human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him…a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create…so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless creating.
— Pearl Buck

to what do i owe this honor of being born abnormally? why must i feel things a hundred times more deeply than the average human being? the tragedies happen too often. the joys don't last long enough. the love, oh how deeply it hurts. and the failure. the failure. the constant waves of emotion, the opposite extremes, the volatility of everything, it's all so frightening. living life, wanting to take control so badly, but being unable to do so. the longing to realize your hopes and dreams, but knowing that at any second something can come to knock you down mid-flight is exhausting. the delicate balance between hope and despair. confidence and self-condemnation.

there is no way to fully satisfy the desire to create in me. the creative juices are always churning in my being. it is a rare occasion to get what is in my mind to flow out my fingertips. there is a thrill in the challenge to make something beautiful. a natural high that some others never experience. the never ending quest to find the perfect color for a sunset. the struggle to convey the slightest of shadows. design. balance. composition. feeling that something doesn't look quite right, but not always knowing why. being moved to tears by a single painting and its beauty. being moved to tears by a single painting because you are incapable of getting it just right. hearing a symphony and all its parts in your mind, but not having the know how to get it out on paper.

it is true. there is a drive, a primal urge to create. to paint. to write. to play.

this is my life. this is what i must put up with, be it good or bad. i'm not really alive unless i am experiencing or struggling with all these things. these beautifully frustrating things.

i'm not really alive . . . unless. unless i'm just being me.

just call me thomas

there is a lot on my mind lately which makes me quiet and contemplative. i'm having trouble finding joy at the moment because my future is looming, huge and uncertain before me. i am in over my head with homework and plans for the coming year. just look at my recently played music and you will find it full of melancholy melodies, which is what i prefer when i feel the weight of life bearing down on me. i can't find it in me to dance with joy when i have so many doubts.

in the midst of all this drudgery of life, a few things have stuck out to me in the last few days. i find it uncanny when i read things in random places that trigger thoughts and help me come to the realization of some very important and humbling things.

like the other day, i was reminded of the story of Elijah. he flees to a cave and is very disgruntled, with life, his situation, and with God. he grapples with God to reveal himself. there are numerous displays of nature, a powerful wind, an earthquake, a fire. but God is not in any of those. he used a gentle whisper to communicate his presence, love, and direction. he was just waiting for Elijah to calm down and just listen. i feel like in this story, i am not only Elijah, but those displays of nature as well. i am acting out in my disbelief. i am railing against God, wrestling with Him, demanding him to reveal himself to me in a blatant way. i am smashing rocks, crumbling mountains, ravaging anything alive in my path to try and get God to listen to me and answer me.

but the ways of God are not our own.

i'm reading Joshua for devotions in hopes of finding my own courage to take on the seemingly impossible tasks ahead. for so many years the israelites had wandered, desperate to find a home, peace. but it was they themselves who had been keeping themselves from luscious rest and prosperity. when it came time to cross the Jordan into their long awaited destination, it was a test of their faith. they had in front of them a raging river in the middle of flood season that they somehow had to get a multitude across. but this is what Joshua said: "consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you." he told them to go walk into the foaming deluge.

but the ways of God are not our own.

faith is believing without seeing. but what if we are visual learners? thomas, after Christ had been rumored to have arisen, refused to believe it unless he could physically stick his hands in the fingerprints of sin in Jesus' hands and side. i am thomas, digging in my heels, refusing to believe and see how God is leading unless i can have him physically in front of me, speaking to me. but Jesus took it all in stride. he sensed thomas's deep and undying need for proof. he sensed thomas was wary of fully giving his heart over to the joy that could be his until he knew it wouldn't be crushed in the process. he allowed thomas to doubt. but then he stuck out his hand.

but the ways of God are not our own.

i am fretting about life. i am doubting God. i want the answers i need delivered to me on a silver platter and i want them now. but how can i have the audacity to think God should do things my way and in my time? i can rail, wrestle, scream, and doubt all i want, but that isn't going to change the fact that i am in the position to do the trusting, not the knowing. but i guess i do know one thing. i know that i am learning a lesson in faith. i know that in all my shortcomings, God will be there. he will whisper to me when i calm down and listen. he will create a path for me when i step into a raging river. he will be there in my times of warily watching, protecting my heart. but he will stick out his hand. in some way or another he will give me the tangible proof that i yearn for. somehow, sometime, somewhere he will come through.

because the ways of God are not my own.

a tale of today...in pictures

today was a day like any other, except for the fact that i was on a mission--a mission to shop. there have been some things that i have been looking for to take to israel this summer. but these things are, shall we say, not at the top of my priority list. these are the things that are necessary, beneficial even, but not necessarily attractive. today i bought a hat. a big, wide brimmed, floppy hat.



they say that i absolutely have to have one if i want to be able to dig in the field. i had originally wanted to buy a sweet indiana jones fedora to truly embody the strong, ruggedly beautiful archaeologist vibe, but jessi quickly vetoed that. buggar. but as i examined my 100% paper, made in china hat (does that mean it melts in rain?!?) i realized that there are ever so many ways to wear this delightful accessory.


first there is the classic creepster look.


the sugary southern belle look


the turned up sombrero


look! it's a three-cornered hat!


it can be worn at a jaunty angle


whoa. BONUS! MY OWN TELESCOPE!


the laura ingalls wilder searches for elusive buffalo on the plains look


the mom zipped it up to my chin boy scout look

besides the amazingly versatile hat, i also made a first time purchase (not necessary for israel, or necessary at all really) of teavana tea. i was pretty excited.



in order to purchase all of these 'necessities' i had to borrow my gramps' wheels to get around town. now gramps drives a pretty thug car



i was living the life, driving the smooth ride


but then when i was thinking about it later on in the day, it occurred to me that i should be worried. i was driving a buick, buying big old floppy garden hats, and getting excited about....tea. the harsh reality dawned on me.


I'M AN OLD LADY!!

i was purchasing all the things that old ladies do. i was in a house that is completely done up in pastels with fake flowers and knicknacks. what was happening to me? the next thing you know, i'll be changing my name to norma or something.


tea drinking will become a part of my daily activities, always scheduled exactly at 3:00


i will probably start to wear little white keds with ankle high bobby socks while wearing my big floppy garden hat, working in my garden


lawn gnomes will quickly become some of my most prized possessions, frolicking not only among my perfect hydrangeas and rhododendron that look 'just beautiful' but inhabiting my house as well!


i bet i will even start having to take laxatives as well because 'i'm just feeling a little irregular today'

the horror! i don't want to be an old lady! i don't want to wear white all the time, stick my pinky up, and fraternize with tiny woodland people! i started to panic. i started to pace. but all my fears were put to rest when i climbed in the car and settled in



i knew how to run it :)

duly noted

i am an observant person. i notice pretty much everything. i don't think people know the extent of what i observe. that's the beauty of being a quiet person i guess. i notice what other people are looking at. i notice the type of smile they have. i see if people have dead eyes or not, and if their laughter is real or fake. if you have ever had a few bats in the cage, as jerad faudi would say, i've probably noticed. if you have ever had a hole in your clothing, i have seen it. i am a details person, so i notice small dumb stuff that doesn't pertain to life at all. it is kind of annoying sometimes.

even though a lot of my observation seems to be visual, i do notice things that can be intellectually or spiritually stimulating as well that i can apply to my life. so in light of all this contemplative observation, here are a few things that i have observed/learned/noted in the last few days. some are important, others are not.

people who spend their lives focusing on only wealth and beauty rob themselves of so much else and make themselves completely unattractive in the process.

having stuff to do and having a schedule is so much better than lazing around.

sometimes it is ok if the biggest debate you have in a day is whether to condition or not in the shower.

shoving a q-tip too far in your ear hurts.

less is often more. (you were right, mom)

looking at pictures of "perfect" people is not helpful for self esteem, even if you are beautiful. don't do it. it just drags you down and makes you unsatisfied with what the Creator gave you.

if a creeper in the car next to you keeps staring at you and matches your speed for quite some time, while flashing a pedophiliac smile in your direction, for heaven's sake, grow a lead appendage and drop that sucka!

relationships are nothing without communication. on all levels.

you can never have too much prayer. always strive to improve your prayer life.

long, thought-provoking conversations are good for the soul and mind.

most things are best in moderation.

filling your mind with garbage of whatever sort is not ideal.

never take loved ones for granted. they leave you too soon.

looking back, lots of times you wish you had worked harder at something.

goals can be good.

not fighting is better than fighting. just as choosing to laugh at something rather than become upset at it is way better also.

you never know what another person is thinking. don't assume things.

singing off key at the top of your lungs and dancing in a dorky manner is super fun. it's also entertaining for the cars passing you.

short nails are the way to go. accidentally scratching random people you don't know with your long nails is kind of awkward.

those are some of my thoughts from the last few days. take 'em or leave 'em.

i don't normally make applications like this...

i have always thought that i would instantly melt if a guy sang this to me. turns out, one already has.

krista,

won't you let me give you a hand
i have an extra I'm not using
won't you let me lighten your load
i mean after all your legs are shaking

and i can understand
all i need is your hand
oh won't you take the fall
it is me after all

won't you let me match your stride
i can slow down if you want to
we can handle it side by side
what do you say girl don't you want to

and i can understand
all i need is your hand
oh won't you take the fall
it is me after all

I'd be lying
if i ran away
I'd be lying
if i ran another way

and so I'll stay

but won't you let me be your man
I'm strong enough you know that i can
be the one to ease your mind
ease your mind

and i can understand
all i need is your hand
oh won't you take the fall
it is me after all

I'd be lying
if i ran another way
I'd be lying
if i ran another way

and so I'll stay

there's not much that you can do
to get me to run away from you

~God

sometimes

sometimes i wonder if it is me, if it is my fault. i wonder if i look at the world too differently for anyone to remotely understand me, or for me to understand the rest of the world. i wonder if i have too high of standards. i wonder if i have too many expectations from myself, others, from life. i sometimes wonder if i could possibly feel more on the outside of it all, too weird, too much of a freak, too timid to function. but then i remember that i am going to a foreign country for a year. yes. i can possibly feel more on the outside of things.

i sometimes wonder why i was not blessed with the ability to succeed in the things that others do. i sometimes wonder why i am an exception to the norm. is it a curse? most times yes. is it a blessing? perhaps. perhaps one day i will be able to see it as a blessing.

i sometimes wonder why i struggle with how to act, how to feel. i wonder if everyone sees me as the awkward ninny i feel like most of the time. i thought i was getting better at it, but today it didn't feel like it at all. sometimes i wonder if i am too pushy. sometimes i wonder if i am manipulative. sometimes i wonder about my worth. sometimes i wonder if i am too much of a downer. tonight i am a downer. sometimes i need to stop.

nothing

today i realized that i am nothing. absolutely nothing. in more ways than one. being something is part of my past, and perhaps part of my future. but for right now, i am nothing. nothing can be good. but it can also be bad. today it is the bad. nothing hurts.