reflection

when i look back at who i was a year ago, the change is insane. i have done like a 180, or at least a 90.... but whatever the degree, i have grown so much. and i have to admit, i'm really proud of that. i'm proud of the fact that i used to be a shy, timid girl who thought that she didn't matter, but now am a girl that has confidence and is gaining more each and every day. i'm proud of the fact that i somehow found strength that i didn't even know i had, to do what i knew was right for me. i'm proud of the fact that i used to be a scaredy-cat who was afraid to try anything new and out of her comfort zone, and now i am a person who is opening up my mind more and more and is willing to try new things and, dare i say it, becoming a person who seeks out adventure. i'm proud of the fact that i used to be a really up-tight person, but have chilled out a lot and am still working on that area. i'm proud of the fact that i was settling in my relationship with God but now want to change that. i'm proud of the fact that i used to see myself as ugly and unappealing, but now i am beginning to discover my beauty, inside and out.

i am proud of the fact that i used to be stagnant in so many areas of my life, but now am searching and growing so much spiritually and emotionally, and just as a whole. i think i have seen more growth in the last year of my life than in the last 20. and it feels good. really good. and now that i have tasted a bit of that growth, i want more.

and i'm going to get it.

i'm going to argentina soon. i feel that this year is going to stretch me beyond belief. it scares me to death, but i know it will be good for me, and in the end, i will absolutely have grown from the process. i'm excited to see what God has in store.

before i went to israel this summer, i was really depressed. my heart was torn up into a million little pieces, and was with my friends at wawona. i felt like i had made a wrong decision in going to israel. i was grumpy about it, straight up. but then i went to israel and it was seriously one of the best decisions i have ever made. i learned so much on that trip and grew so much as well.

i am a little depressed right now before i go to argentina. this time, my heart is not only torn up into a million little pieces, but is scattered about the country. many of the pieces are congregating in collegedale tennessee. there are pieces in georgia. there are pieces in illinois, minnesota, north dakota, iowa, utah, colorado, california, and washington, not to mention italy, and peru. the process of getting the logistics worked out to even go to argentina has been a nightmare, leaving me to question if i should even be going. but i am just keeping my israel experience in mind. i'm hoping for a repeat performance.

my friend has a saying "i will not let my past dictate my God" and i need to heed that. i will not let my past insecurities dictate how my God is going to work in me in this coming year. i will not let my past reactions and tendencies dictate how i react to troubled times. my God is working. i will leave it in his huge capable hands. i will grow, even in this.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

when i was a kid, the movie mulan came out. i never liked it a ton because the first time i watched it, i got sick later that night and so i always associated that movie with being sick. but there is one song in the movie that really resonates with me. it's called reflection.

Look at me
I will never pass for
A perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see
That if I were truly
To be myself
I would break my family's heart.

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am, though I've tried.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

although i still have a long ways to go, i think that my reflection is finally starting to show who i am inside. and that feels good. really good.