late at night

it's late at night and i am nostalgic. i am often nostalgic when it gets to be my favorite time of the day. the night time is the right time. that phrase makes me think of anthony. i'm sitting here on my comfy bed. it is dark. i have five candles scattered about my room that are emitting a wonderfully delicate glow. the candles make me think of friday nights in southern village. dissonance, then delicious resolution fills my ears. a haunting song that fits the mood i am in. the song makes me think of chrees.

i looked through all my pictures tonight. it is amazing the time and distance that you can travel in your mind. i went back to israel. israel makes me think of martin and ross and alex and brianna and ben and countless others. i went back to graduation where all of us were hanging on to the precious few moments we had left with each other. those dear ones that i love so much and will always want back. i went back to sabbath afternoon meals at elisa and graves'. i went back to our awesome back porch, volleyball afternoons, and walks. i went back to when i painted in church with nick. i went back to my art show. i went back to our road trip over christmas. i went back to our photo shoots, our thanksgiving meals, our crafty times. i went back to last fall when tara, chels, schnell and i decided to try and hurdle a couch outside on our lawn. i went back to that one awful weekend. i went back to nicaragua and my time there. that makes me miss kaitlin. i went back to high school and banquet and valley fair. i went to all my major memories and all the really good little ones in between, the ones that make friendships.

my journey made me smile. it made me want to cry. it made me laugh out right. so many memories, so many friends, family really, that has ties deeper and stronger than blood. there are so many memories that i wish i could re-live and go back to. precious times.

sometimes i have feelings so strong and deep in my soul that i almost can't stand it. a need to go back, a need to capture more memories, a need to see what the future holds.

i wonder why memories and yearnings have to evoke such deep emotion in me. why can't i accept them for the good times i had and move on? why do they have to hurt so much sometimes, even if it is a good hurt?

i don't know. but i guess that is the good thing about memories. i have all the mental images and feelings and atmosphere that were tied to that specific point in time all in my mind, ready for instant recall if i should so choose. this past year i really stocked up on the memories. i know for a fact that those memories will spur me on to create more WITH THOSE SAME PEOPLE. they will get me through this next year.

my memories are my record of my life. i have had a dang. good. life.