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the questions, the projected answers are swirling around in my head.
did i do enough, did i do too little, or did i just pretend?

confidence and uncertainty exchange unwarranted blows,
while the onlookers mock them relentlessly, turning everyone into foes.

"i shall conquer this" "no you shan't" swap echoes on the hills.
"i will fight" "no you will die" a wraith voice eerily trills.

construction of the soundest sort is promptly underway,
with guilt and love mixing mortar strong the foundations firmly lay.

to hades, best intentions pave, most of the time succeeding,
the regrets, the joys, those trials severe, one of which is silently retreating.

the torture, the bliss, oh when will it all somehow transform
to be strong, to surrender to that idyllic poisonous storm.

i push away, i pull too close, the line is crossed over yet,
but will that line one day too soon, discover and forget

the piquancy, the appeal, the developing interests wide
no, it shall not want it like a beach never quite wants the tide.

shriveled hurt, those pains again, a stab wound here or there
are eased away with even more pain and the gentlest of care.

but like a cannon's echoing roar the damage returns again,
insanity, and destiny soon commandeer my dwindling ken.

i shall not know, i shall not discover what deep purposes lie
within my grasp, embedded there, until i say goodbye.