all the world's a stage

part of me has always wondered if i would be a good actress, maybe as an outlet for my current introverted self.  i've dabbled in performing, experiencing opposite ends of the ability spectrum.  in grade school i had a flair for the dramatic it seemed, always being cast in the lead roles in our classroom plays.  this of course was before my confidence and self-assurance were stripped away by the chemical called high school.  but i also had success in later years, being cast as miss bliss in a camp play.  i think i can safely say that i did well at that role, with a pillow butt, muumuu, blue eye shadow, and boston accent to complete the ensemble.

but i've also had failures.  camp plays have not always been my friend (most of my appearances as "bobanna"), and shakespeare class was abominable--i have never forgotten so many lines!

i feel though, like this doesn't just apply to theater-esque situations.  i think that this applies to my life in general.  i am good, too good, at acting indifferently when i really do care, or actually have violent reactions to things.  i am good at acting like a hardened snob, when really i am falling apart inside, craving love and fellowship. but i fail to put on a convincing act when i need to care about something and i don't, or when i need to show someone love--and i can't . . .

this interplay of good acting/bad acting may be convincing to some, and total bullshit to others, but it's just plain confusing to me.  i think that in my attempts to trick the world about how i am feeling, i am really just tricking myself.  i don't know what to think, how to act, or how to recognize if i am even being real.

good actress, bad actress.  maybe i should just give up acting altogether.