sometimes

sometimes i wonder if it is me, if it is my fault. i wonder if i look at the world too differently for anyone to remotely understand me, or for me to understand the rest of the world. i wonder if i have too high of standards. i wonder if i have too many expectations from myself, others, from life. i sometimes wonder if i could possibly feel more on the outside of it all, too weird, too much of a freak, too timid to function. but then i remember that i am going to a foreign country for a year. yes. i can possibly feel more on the outside of things.

i sometimes wonder why i was not blessed with the ability to succeed in the things that others do. i sometimes wonder why i am an exception to the norm. is it a curse? most times yes. is it a blessing? perhaps. perhaps one day i will be able to see it as a blessing.

i sometimes wonder why i struggle with how to act, how to feel. i wonder if everyone sees me as the awkward ninny i feel like most of the time. i thought i was getting better at it, but today it didn't feel like it at all. sometimes i wonder if i am too pushy. sometimes i wonder if i am manipulative. sometimes i wonder about my worth. sometimes i wonder if i am too much of a downer. tonight i am a downer. sometimes i need to stop.