just call me thomas

there is a lot on my mind lately which makes me quiet and contemplative. i'm having trouble finding joy at the moment because my future is looming, huge and uncertain before me. i am in over my head with homework and plans for the coming year. just look at my recently played music and you will find it full of melancholy melodies, which is what i prefer when i feel the weight of life bearing down on me. i can't find it in me to dance with joy when i have so many doubts.

in the midst of all this drudgery of life, a few things have stuck out to me in the last few days. i find it uncanny when i read things in random places that trigger thoughts and help me come to the realization of some very important and humbling things.

like the other day, i was reminded of the story of Elijah. he flees to a cave and is very disgruntled, with life, his situation, and with God. he grapples with God to reveal himself. there are numerous displays of nature, a powerful wind, an earthquake, a fire. but God is not in any of those. he used a gentle whisper to communicate his presence, love, and direction. he was just waiting for Elijah to calm down and just listen. i feel like in this story, i am not only Elijah, but those displays of nature as well. i am acting out in my disbelief. i am railing against God, wrestling with Him, demanding him to reveal himself to me in a blatant way. i am smashing rocks, crumbling mountains, ravaging anything alive in my path to try and get God to listen to me and answer me.

but the ways of God are not our own.

i'm reading Joshua for devotions in hopes of finding my own courage to take on the seemingly impossible tasks ahead. for so many years the israelites had wandered, desperate to find a home, peace. but it was they themselves who had been keeping themselves from luscious rest and prosperity. when it came time to cross the Jordan into their long awaited destination, it was a test of their faith. they had in front of them a raging river in the middle of flood season that they somehow had to get a multitude across. but this is what Joshua said: "consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you." he told them to go walk into the foaming deluge.

but the ways of God are not our own.

faith is believing without seeing. but what if we are visual learners? thomas, after Christ had been rumored to have arisen, refused to believe it unless he could physically stick his hands in the fingerprints of sin in Jesus' hands and side. i am thomas, digging in my heels, refusing to believe and see how God is leading unless i can have him physically in front of me, speaking to me. but Jesus took it all in stride. he sensed thomas's deep and undying need for proof. he sensed thomas was wary of fully giving his heart over to the joy that could be his until he knew it wouldn't be crushed in the process. he allowed thomas to doubt. but then he stuck out his hand.

but the ways of God are not our own.

i am fretting about life. i am doubting God. i want the answers i need delivered to me on a silver platter and i want them now. but how can i have the audacity to think God should do things my way and in my time? i can rail, wrestle, scream, and doubt all i want, but that isn't going to change the fact that i am in the position to do the trusting, not the knowing. but i guess i do know one thing. i know that i am learning a lesson in faith. i know that in all my shortcomings, God will be there. he will whisper to me when i calm down and listen. he will create a path for me when i step into a raging river. he will be there in my times of warily watching, protecting my heart. but he will stick out his hand. in some way or another he will give me the tangible proof that i yearn for. somehow, sometime, somewhere he will come through.

because the ways of God are not my own.